Suburban Knights: Part 1
The video opens up with a desolate road. A car drives by, and we're shown the driver, Bill, as he headbangs to rock music. He stops after seeing a black guy wearing leather clothes and sunglasses and holding a staff by the side of the road.
Bill: Hey, buddy! Need a lift?
Mysterious person: In this?
Bill: Yeah, unless you can pull a plane out of your pocket. *laughs* 'Cause that'd be awesome.
The mysterious guy sighs as he enters the car
Bill: I really dig your get-up, man. It's very Matrix meets Matrix Reloaded. You ever see those movies?
The mysterious guy stares silently
Bill: That's beautiful, man. So, where you headed?
Bill: Chicago! The Windy City! That shouldn't be too far out of the way! Let me just program this into my GPS. *grabs GPS* Get this bloody thing to work.
The mysterious person stares at the electronic devices on the car as Bill speaks the following
Bill: According to this, it should be... 2000 miles. No, that can't be right. Let me just fix this. No, I don't want to go to Lake Okeechobee. You know, my mom always said only so many times a man can drive into a lake. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me five times, shame on the GPS. Awesome! I think I got it! So what part of Chicago are you going to?
MP: You're using that?
Bill: Well, yeah.
MP: Don't use that.
Bill: Why not?
MP: Just, don't.
Bill: Dude, I get everywhere with this thing. I'd be totally lost without it.
MP: It's bad enough you have to imprison yourself in this technological deathtrap. But now you sacrifice your own sense of direction? Your intuition? Your own means of travel is determined by wires, electric highways. Circuits to destruction. You make no decisions for yourself. You hand over everything to these mechanical wonders. And for all their digital prestidigitation, you become no smarter for it. You enter this world empty, and you will leave this world... empty.
Bill: Dude, did I say something wrong or...?
MP: What do you think of the 21st century, mister...?
MP: Bill. What do you think of the 21st century, Bill?
Bill: Well, it's alright. I mean, like, Gaga's a little weird and all, but I think it's pretty solid.
MP: You enjoy it?
MP: Would you swear by it?
MP: Would you give up everything you own for it?
Bill: That doesn't make much sense. Everything I own's in the 21st century, man.
MP: No. No it isn't. There's one other thing you own the that 21st century hasn't given you. And it can be taken away. Very, very easily. Do you want it taken away... Bill?
Bill: *laughing* Dude, what are you on? 'Cause I totally want some.
A shot is heard as the driver's window is covered in blood. The mysterious person leaves the car, and walks away as it explodes.
(The opening credits roll, showing an image of a gauntlet with a shiny gem, swords and shields, and drawings of the Channel Awesome reviewers in costume, while playing the Suburban Knights theme.)
After the credits, Angry Joe is seen happily walking on the streets of Chicago. He stops to talk to a man
Joe: Hello, good sir. How are you today?
Man': Well, um...
Joe: Can't talk now! I just won a free car! *laughs and walks away*
Joe gets to a house, and checks again his "voucher", reading "FREE CAR! 555 29th ST NONAMIA". He grins as he enters the house.
Joe: Alright, where's that free NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
Joe continues to shout "No" as the camera shows that the rest of the Channel Awesome staff is in the living room
Joe: (after 13 no's, sounding sad) Let me guess, you guys were promised a free car too? *everyone nods* But there is no car, is there? *everyone shakes heads* It's the Nostalgia Critic again, isn't it? *everyone nods* Oh, God.
A sad Angry Joe enters the room, sitting in the couch next to Obscurus Lupa
Lupa: Don't worry, Joe. We'll get him in his sleep.
A shot of a VHS tape reading "EPICNESS!!!!!!!" with a piece of drawn paper atop it. The Nostalgia Critic gets the paper, then the tape. Cut to the living room
Jew Wario: Oh hey, you're Todd in the Shadows, right?
Jew Wario: *ducking* I've always wondered what you look like —a gun cocking sound is heard, and Todd points a pistol at JW—and then he backed away.
Lupa: So what kind of half-assed scheme do you think he has this time?
Film Brain: *enthusiastic* I don't know, but I'm so excited!
Lupa: Is there like some sort of medicine you should be on?
FB gasps as he continues to smile. The Nostalgia Critic enters the room
NC: Hello fellow reviewers of ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com! How are you today?
NC ducks as a shot is fired at him
NC: Okay, so ya figured out there's no car. I would be angry too. cut to the reviewers, showing Linkara lowering his gun But if I was to tell you the real reason that I brought you all out here, I'm afraid none of you would show.
MarzGurl: What are you talking about?
NC: The truth, my dear friends, is that I have something better than the car.
Phelous: *sarcastic* It better be a boat.
NC: I'm talking about something that can get us riches beyond your wildest dreams. Something that can make every single person in this room a millionaire.
The door is heard opening. Spoony comes in
Spoony: Alrighty, where's that free c- NOOOOOOOO! *starts sobbing*
NC: Spoony, Spoony, so glad you could make it! Go join your team!
A sobbing Spoony enters the room, sits in front of Lupa and next to ROBGuy-88
Lupa: Don't worry. We'll make him pay.
NC: My friends, we are sitting on the opportunity of a lifetime. And all the answers are on this VHS. Who wants to play it?
FB: *gets up, saying enthusiastically* ME! I DO, I DO, I DO!
As Film Brain approaches the tape, a hand grabs it. FB looks over, shocked.
Luke Mochrie: I'll do that for you, Critic.
NC: Ah, Film Brain. I see you've met Luke Mochrie. He's a up and coming talent on the site. A real go-getter!
FB: *still shocked* Up and coming?
Luke: Yes. I'm sort of like you, only fresh and new. *Luke and the Critic laugh*
NC: So, as you can see, Luke has this one. So, if you could get out of the way there... *pushes FB aside*
Luke inserts the tape on the VHS
FB: Well, can I, um, make you some coffee, Mr. Critic?
NC: Oh, sure. That'd be great, uh...
FB: Film Brain.
NC: ...Film Brain... Yeah. Yeah, that's good. *taps his shoulder as he leaves
As the tape enters, Benzaie pops through Brad's legs
Benzaie: Oh, boy! A movie.
The tape cuts to a GNN title card
Nostalgia Chick: Well, already the credits are terrible.
NC: Don't review it! *everyone groans*
In the tape, Larry Prince shows up in GNN News
Larry Prince: New information in the disappearance of 30-year-old game store clerk Chuck Jaffers, from Gurnee. Police are revealing a strange portrait of the man that witnesses described as "emotionally troubled".
Witness: He was emotionally troubled.
Larry Prince: According to friends and family, Jaffers was apparently an avid player of the counterculture "role-playing game" Dungeons and Dragons. However, in the days leading up to his disappearance, he was heard ranting about finding a magical gauntlet called Malachite's Hand. Police suspect that the game may have driven Jaffers to insanity, and caused him to run mad into the street. Not unlike the timeless tale of Mazes and Monsters.
Spoony: Oh, that is bullshit!
Larry Prince: The actual location of Jaffers still remains a mystery. *removes glasses* Sad. Very, very sad. *puts glasses back* And now, on a lighter note, the President has been shot.
ROBGuy-88: So, what?
NC: The gauntlet! The magic gauntlet he was talking about!
Linkara: What about it?
NC: I've done some research on this gauntlet, and it turns out it really exists! Apparently there are some sort of ancient jewel that you place on the gauntlet that was rumored to make it indestructible!
Paw: So you think that by finding it, we can take control of its "magical" powers?
NC: Pfft, hell no! There's no such thing as magic!
Benzaie holds an angry Linkara back
NC: But if we find this thing, it could be worth a fortune. People would pay through the nose to get a look at it!
Phelous: Well, what does it matter? Even if it is worth a bundle, we have no idea where it is or how to find it.
NC: On the contrary.
He holds the map. Everyone groans, except Film Brain, who rubs his hands.
NC: I found the map that Jaffers made! He knew where it was! He left clues! All you have to do is just play a stupid game he created. A game that will lead us directly to the gauntlet!
Bennett the Sage shows up behind him, holding the map
Bennett the Sage: But this is all written in rhymes and riddles! How are we supposed to figure it all out?
NC: What... How the hell did you get that?!
Sage: Just getting a head start?
NC: *grabbing the map* That's the catch. As you heard on the news, Jaffers was this gigantic geek, and apparently he'd written this as a role-playing game in order to find it. Everybody has to get dressed up and act like a fantasy character in order to figure out what these riddles mean.
8-Bit Mickey: So you mean it's just a game?
NC: Well, really, the only rule is to figure out the riddles on the map. But you're more likely to figure it out if you're engulfed in some sort of fantasy character. So if you're totally in touch with wizards, dragons, and all that crap, the more likely you are to figure this out and find the treasure.
Spoony: So, it's like LARP'ing?
NC: No! That's just a bunch of dorks dressing up and fighting for a fake reward.
ROBGuy-88: While we're a bunch of dorks dressing up and fighting for a real reward.
Todd: So, what kind of characters do we dress up as?
NC' Anything. As long as it has something to do with a quest-related fantasy world. Now, the map says here that there are two paths to it, so if we split up into two teams, that'll increase our chances of finding it!
Chick': And you honestly think this is gonna pay off?
NC': *epic music plays as he walks to the window* My friends, after all this is over, we will not only have a ton of money. But our names will also be placed in the book of destiny. Names will be remembered. Quests will become legends. And legends will become... legendary. We are standing on the threshold of greatness, of glory, and all we need to do is to take that first step. So what say you, my proud warriors of virtue? Turns around, the living room is empty
NC: Goddamnit! It's like working with a bunch of kindergarteners!
Goes to the door, screams outside
NC: HEY! IF YOU DON'T GO, YOU'RE ALL FIRED! *everyone groans* 8AM TOMORROW! BRING YOUR COSTUMES!
He enters back. Film Brain comes with a cup of coffee.
FB: Here you go, Mr. Critic. I got you your coffee.
NC: Get with the program, Film Brain! Luke already got me a latte!
Film Brain looks behind him, spots Luke holding a latte, then looks at the NC, shocked. The Critic sighs and shakes his head.
NC: You just haven't been on your A-game, have you?
Luke: Extra cream, extra sugar, Critic.
NC: *laughing* Oh ho ho, Luke. You know just what I'm lookin' for.
Film Brain crushes the cup on his hand, without breaking his smile
It's night. After external shot of the house, cut to the Critic, who unsheathes a replica of the Master Sword from The Legend of Zelda, and practices with it before putting it back. Ma-Ti is then shown in the bedroom, holding a "card" like the one Angry Joe had.
NC: AAAAAAH! Ma-Ti!
Ma-Ti: Yes, it's Ma-ti! From Captain Planet.
NC: *rolls eyes* Yeah, I know. What are you doing here?
Ma-Ti: I got the message about the car!
NC: But I didn't send you a message about the car...
Ma-Ti: Huh, weird. *tosses the card* So, I hear you're putting a team together for a quest. Can I come?
NC: Um, I'd like to, Ma-Ti, really I would, but, ah... I really need you... here.
NC: Yes. To protect the children and elderly.
Ma-Ti: But there aren't any children and elderly here.
NC: That's what makes it so hard, Ma-Ti. That's what makes it so hard. You don't understand my plight.
Ma-Ti: No, I don't understand your plight.
NC: I don't even know what 'plight' means. So, let's just say we're even and go along our merry ways, huh?
Ma-Ti: But Critic, you don't have anyone to represent heart on your team!
NC: Don't you think I know that, Ma-Ti? Don't you think I'd give anything to have you on board?
Ma-Ti: Well, um...
NC: But I have chosen the life that I lead, and you have chosen the life that you lead. I know it sounds complex, even confusing, but trust me when I say that nothing will change that, Ma-Ti! Nothing will change that! Will you answer nothing's call?
Ma-Ti: Is "nothing" something?
NC: It's everything.
NC: So help me help you help me. Let's make this happen, Ma-Ti!
NC: Now get out there and show 'em what you're made of, you little pop tart!
Ma-Ti leaves the room yelling. The Critic gets the sword, then a green hood. External shot of the house
The following day. Shots of the neighborhood, then of the mysterious person. Cut to the Critic's house, then to the stairway outside the bedroom. A gong is heard as it opens... to show the Critic dressed as Link from The Legend of Zelda, with the Zelda overworld theme heard in the background. He goes down the stairs to the living room
NC: Now this is a manly costume!
Joe: Not as manly as mine!
A scared Critic jumps back. Angry Joe enters the room, dressed as Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride; a Spanish guitar riff is heard
NC: Jesus, Joe. Don't scare me like this.
Joe: 'Allo. My name is not Joe. It is Inigo Montoya. You killed my brother. points his sword at the Critic
Joe: Father. Prepare to die.
NC: Alright, very nice, Joe, but don't do that! We don't need to encourage every tights-wearing idiot to sneak in here like that.
Spoony, dressed as Gandalf from The Lord of the Rings, appears
Spoony: Fly, you fools!
A scared Critic jumps back, and Joe also gasps.
Spoony: "For I am the servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the Flame of Anor! Dark Fire will not avail you, Flame of Udûn!"
NC: Yeah, well...
The Critic pulls Spoony's beard and lets go, which hits him
NC: Knock before you come in, Dumbledore! In fact, is anyone else already here?
The empty living room is shown
JewWario: Yes! *The Snob replies with a shush* N-No, no, no!
NC: Alright, alright, GET OUT IN HERE!
Linkara: We'd preferred if you called our names out first!
Cinema Snob: Yeah, it's more dramatic that way!
NC: *sighs* Alright, fine. Linkara!
Linkara, dressed in knight armor and with a drawn beard, shows up; the music from Camelot is heard
Linkara: I must remind you, Critic, that I am a civilized man with occasional lapses.
NC: What are you, some sort of Monty Python sketch?
Linkara: I, good sir, am King Arthur, as played by Sir Richard Harris.
NC: Actually, I don't think he was knighted.
Spoony: Kind of ironic...
Linkara: In the greatest movie ever made, Camelot.
Spoony: What's the Elvish word for prat?
Linkara: Have at thee!
He rushes at Spoony, but their fight is split by the Critic
NC: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Save it for Broadway! Alright, now where's the Nostalgia Chick?
A bright flash blinds the boys. The Lord of the Rings music is heard, as we are shown the Chick dressed as Arwen.
Chick: *speaks in Elvish-sounding words* (Subtitles: "Greetings unattractive mortals.")
Linkara: What'd she say?
Chick: *"Elvish"* (Subtitles: "I am Arwen, daughter of King what's-his-name from those Matrix movies.")
Chick: Read the damn subtitles!
Boys: "*look down* Ohhhhh!
The score of Conan the Barbarian is heard as Benzaie, dressed as Conan himself, appears
Benzaie: Crom! Ask me what is best in life!
Joe: Okay, what is best in life?
Benzaie: To crush the enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their women. Present company excluded.
Chick: *"Elvish"* (Subtitles: "It's cool")
NC: I like it! A Frenchman playing an Austrian! It'll confuse the enemy! Very good! All right, where’s ROBGuy-88?
ROBGuy-88, dressed as Papa Shango of WWF, appears behind critic and yells, scaring the Critic. Papa Shango’s theme plays.
ROBGuy-88: Behold! The Immortal power of Papa Shango! For all of you have entered his dark world!
The music stops.
ROBGuy-88: (normal voice) Papa Shango. You know the guy from the WWF who pulls voodoos and curses on other wrestlers.
Spoony: You mean the guy who would go on to become the Godfather?
NC: Yeah never heard of either of them, so it’s not like Day Of The Dead is gonna save anything.
ROBGuy dead stares at Critic.
NC: Ah, who else there? Um... Sage!
Lion roars are heard. Sage, dressed as a lion, appears to Narnia music
Sage: Greetings, sons of Adam, daughters of Eve. I am King Aslan.
Everyone laughs at him
Sage: Oh, shut up!
NC: *laughing* I don't know, Ass Man! I don't think you've got the nerve!
Spoony: "Oh, grrr!"
Sage: Come on, guys! Stop laughing!
Phelous: You're probably not gonna like my costume, then...
Everyone stops laughing and turns back to see Phelous dressed in a gray suit with blobs
NC: What the... Phelous, is that you?
Phelous: No, it's the Rockbiter!
NC: You look like a steroid elephant turd.
Phelous: *holding two dolls* Well, my little friends think I look good, don't you? These are my little friends. They've come to help stop the Nothing! Say hello to my little friends!
Everyone is staring silently
NC: Very nice. Anyway, I-
Phelous puts the dolls up to the Critic's face
Phelous: I said "Say HELLO!"
NC: *nervously pats one* Hello, inanimate objects.
Phelous: *taking the dolls away* They'll be watching you.
Dramatic music plays as the Critic has a stunned expression; he recomposes
NC: Marzgurl! Where is MarzGurl? *a dog bite is heard* OW!
MarzGurl, dressed as San from Princess Mononoke, raises as the music of said movie plays
MarzGurl: *speaks Japanese* (subtitles: "I am Princess Mononoke, half woman, half wolf. Daughter of the great Wolf God, Gillian Anderson!")
MarzGurl bites the Critic's arm, and he flings him off by beating on her with his sword
NC: Ow, ow, ow! Okay, alright! You're an animal rights nut! Geez!
Harry Potter music plays as Luke enters, dressed as Harry
Luke: Expecto tarobitussin! Magic is in the air!
Film Brain enters, also dressed as Harry
FB: Hey! You copycat! I was going to be Harry Potter!
Luke: Says who?
FB: Says me!
MarzGurl: *Japanese* (subtitles: "Silence!")
NC: Hey, hey, hey! We got two Lord of the Rings and possibly two Narnias!
NC: Well, you do kinda look like the older sister. Everyone agrees So we can have two Harry Potters!
FB: But he shouldn't even qualify! I'm authentic British!
Luke: Yeah, well, I'm Canadian!
FB: That's as British as being Turkish, you tit!
Luke: What are you talking aboot?
FB: It's "about," you twat!
NC: Stop it, stop it! As far as I'm concerned, you both look equally stupid!
FB: But I look more stupid, right?
NC: OH YEAH!
Film Brain nods his head at Luke
NC: Right. Now, where's Cinema Snob?
The Indiana Jones theme plays as Snob is revealed to be dressed as Indy
Snob: "Too bad the Hovitos don't know you like I do, Critic."
NC: Oh, come on, Indiana Jones? That isn't fantasy.
Snob: It's quest-based, so it counts. Anyways, he survived a nuclear explosion in a refrigerator. If that's not fantasy, then I don't know what is.
NC: *sighs* Alright, fine. Where's Obscurus Lupa?
Harps play as Lupa, dressed as Snow White, shows up
Lupa: "Oh, some day my prince will come!"
NC: No, no! What's wrong with you people? It's fantasy-based, not fairy tales!
Lupa: Oh, yeah, I forgot. Fairy tales are so based in reality. I mean... *puts hands on chest, talks in softer voice* reality!
8-Bit Mickey enters, dressed as Peter Pan, to the score of said movie
Mickey: It's all about giving in to the dreams of your imagination!
NC: Holy fuck, what is that?
Mickey: I am Peter Pan, the little rapscallion who will never grow up.
NC: Well, I can clearly see that.
The music stops as Mickey drops his sword and tries to hit the Critic - Lupa and the Snob hold him back. Paw, dressed as Profion from Dungeons and Dragons, shows up behind the Critic
Paw: "Good, good! I can use every ounce of your rage! Aht-aht-aht-aht-aaaaaah!
Luke: Oh my God, you're Jeremy Irons from Dungeons & Dragons?
Paw: *touches Luke's face* Good, does that upset you? I can use every ounce of your anger! Aht-aht-aht-aht-aaaaaah!
Luke: *scared* I don't wanna ride with him.
A Spanish guitar plays as Todd, dressed like the Dread Pirate Roberts - but with his eyes covered - enters
Todd: Hey guys, check me out! 'Tis I, the Dread Pirate Roberts!
Everyone stands silent
Todd: From The Princess Bride! silence remains It's Todd.
Handsome Tom enters, wearing a red wig
Tom: How's this?
NC: Oh, hey Tom! You're...
Tom: I'm Willow.
NC: ...Of course! Okay, well, there's only one person missing. Where's JewWario?
Gong is heard as JewWario enters, dressed as Jareth from Labyrinth
JewWario: Apologies. I was busy doing my dance magic dance.
NC: Oh my God. It's David Bowie from Labyrinth.
Mickey: Does that mean he's got the...
Cut to JewWario's huge codpiece. All the men react in disgust... but Lupa, the Chick, and Marzgurl get happy
JewWario: I can't help if I want to *pelvic thrust* flaunt what I've got.
After another disgusted reaction shot...
NC: It's like a dead ferret!
...Lupa, MarzGurl and the Chick cling on JewWario
Chick: Hello. I'd suddenly like to get to know you better.
JewWario: Oh, most certainly. Here, would you like to hold my ball?
The girls leave JewWario, as the Suburban Knights theme plays.
NC: Alright! You all look epically ridiculous! Now this is the kind of team that's gonna get us riches!
NC: Okay everybody. Let's get started!
Everyone is in a field
NC: According to this map, this is the only point that's identified as the starting point of the game. Right in this field. By God, it's a beautiful, desolate wasteland, isn't it?
Benzaie: Uh, not really. There are houses around us. Even some cars over there.
Car drives by
Car driver: *honking* Get a job, hippies!
NC: Well, it doesn't matter. This as a starting point is a great place to start! Linkara, where's your beard?
Linkara: I ran out of Sharpie!
NC: Well, it doesn't matter. According to this map, there's two paths to get there, so I'm going to split you up into two teams. Um... Let's call *points* this side team 1, *points* and this side team 2.
Lupa and the Chick get sad and cling on JewWario
Lupa: But... We wanna go with him.
NC: Get over there!
Lupa and the Chick and angry and let go, while MarzGurl immediately clings to JewWario, who smiles.
NC: Now, I made a Xerox copy of the map for myself - I still ripped it up so it looks all cool - and so the original map I am giving to you guys.
The Critic gives the map to Spoony
Spoony: Thank you, Master Critic. May the light of Eärendil shine ever upon you.
NC: Shut up. *epic music plays* Alright, people. We are on the verge of a great adventure! If we pull this off, our names will be placed in the history books for all time to come!
Ma-Ti comes in
Ma-Ti: Critic! I thought I could be of some help!
The Critic walks to Ma-Ti
NC: Ma-Ti, it's not that we don't want to use you because your powers are totally and completely useless.
Sage: It's not? Lupa elbows him
NC: It's just that... there's so much more that can be done here!
Ma-Ti: Like what?
NC: Um... Ah...
Chick: Oh! My contact lens fell out!
NC: Her contact lens, Ma-Ti! She lost her contact lens!
Ma-Ti: Oh, geez, that's terrible!
NC: Yes. And we need somebody here to look for it, so...get on that. pushes Ma-Ti to the ground
Ma-Ti (with his face on the ground): You are a true friend.
NC: No talking while you're searching. *unsheathes sword as the epic music plays* Now, for everyone else, you will remain in your two teams, and we will find treasure! But first, I think it would be a good idea if we go over that hill to show the unity of our fellowship.
Todd: Why? *the music stops, and restarts every time the Critic starts talking*
NC: Because it will symbolize our unity, even though we are breaking our fellowship.
ROBGuy-88: Why would we want to do that?
NC: It will strengthen our bonds as we-
Mickey: How's bondage gonna help us?
NC: *annoyed* In our darkest hour, we will always-
Linkara: But it's daylight!
NC: But when something really bad is going down-
Paw: Like what?
NC: *very annoyed* The trailer, okay?! We're doing it for the trailer!
NC: Okay. Line up!
Everyone gets in a line
NC: Begin epic pose!
Epic music plays as they walk, one by one: The Nostalgia Critic, Benzaie, The Nostalgia Chick, Obscurus Lupa, 8 Bit Mickey, Phelous, ROBGuy-88, Bennett The Sage, Handsome Tom, Linkara, Angry Joe, The Cinema Snob, Paw, Marzgurl, Film Brain, Luke Mochrie, Spoony, ToddInTheShadows and JewWario.
NC: AND SPLIT!
Joe, The Snob, Paw, MarzGurl, Film Brain, Luke, Spoony, Todd, and JewWario run by the screen. Cut to a distant shot of both teams parting ways. Spoony drops his hat and comes back to get it
Shots of trees, then of three cloaked figures in a field holding swords.
The Nostalgia Critic and his group make their way along a trail through a forest. The Critic reads the map as they walk along.
ROBGuy-88: Are you sure you're reading that thing correctly?
NC: I think so. It says, “Five hundred steps into northern siege, you'll enter a field that is filled with trees.” Only forest reserve that's around that distance, so this has gotta be it.
8-Bit Mickey: Well, I, for one, am glad to be on this team. After all, it is the team with the most imagination! Isn't that right, Critic?
NC: *in a disinterested manner* Hm? Oh, yeah, uh. Oh, ah, magical...
Phelous: Well, at least my little friends are having a good time. *speaks to toys* Aren't you, little friends?
8-Bit Mickey: You know, Phelous, I gotta admit. I think you may be getting into character a little too much.
Phelous: What do you mean?
8-Bit Mickey: Well, it seems like you really think... they're alive.
Phelous: But they are alive! They're more alive than YOU!
Mickey looks at him awkwardly for a moment as creepy music plays. Afraid, Mickey moves away from Phelous toward Benzaie.
Benzaie: Fear not, Tinker Bell. The power of Crom will protect you.
Benzaie puts his hand on Mickey's shoulder, though Mickey looks reluctant to accept his help. Meanwhile, Obscurus Lupa converses with the NC at the front of the group.
Lupa: And into what willowing wood of bird and deer have we so sojourned?
Lupa: Where are we going?
NC: Oh. Uh, it's sort of hard to follow. It says, “To follow the path without any fail, just follow the one that has the best tale.”
Lupa: You mean, like... one of these paths has a story or something?
NC: I don't know. Just keep your eyes peeled.
Lupa: Alright, well, I'm gonna go back there being all enchanted and shit.
Lupa moves away from the Critic and moves whimsically among the group.
Linkara: Well, if there's anything a good king knows, it's how to keep moral up! Come, come, chaps! Let us sing a song of days gone by!
The group groans at him.
ROBGuy-88: Hell No.
Linkara: Oh, come on, I'm sure you know this old one! *singing* A law was made a distant moon ago here---
Chick: *holding her head* Knock it off. I've got a migraine over here.
Linkara: *singing* Into the woods! Into the woods! Into the woods---
NC: Andrew Lloyd Fucker, knock it off with Spamalot over there!
Linkara: *singing * You're the one that I want! Woo hoo hoo---
Benzaie knocks Linkara on the back of the head, knocking him down.
Benzaie: Crom laughs at your show tunes! Somebody carry him!
The group declines. From the ground, Linkara continues to sing, albeit off key now.
Linkara: *singing* Popular, I'm gonna be popular...
As the group walks along, ROBGuy-88 stops for a moment and notices something in the woods. He calls to the group.
ROBGuy-88: Papa Shango sense something unusual.
He points to what looks like an animal's tail hanging over a log. The NC comes over to ROBGuy to investigate and Linkara rejoins the group while rubbing the back of his head.
ROBGuy-88: That black speck over there.
NC: What about it?
ROBGuy-88: Papa Shango thinks it looks like the tail of an animal. Perhaps that was the tail the map was referring to.
NC: Nah, that can't be it.
Bennett: Critic. The path to enlightenment is the enlightenment of the path.
NC: Yes, and the way to pain is to nail you in the 'nads.
8-Bit Mickey: No, he's right! That does look like a tail. *looks at Bennett* And we should nail you in the 'nads! *looks toward the tail* But we should go that way first.
Phelous: *nods, consulting his toys* My friends agree!
ROBGuy-88: Papa Shango agrees completely.
NC: Well, even if it was a tail, what kind of animal could it possibly be connected to?
The tail swiftly moves and the animal turns around, revealing a puppet that looks vaguely like a cat. The creature speaks as the group moves toward it.
Cat: Halt, puny mortals! I am the defender of this path!
NC: Oh my God, we're in a Lamb Chop Sing-Along.
Cat: Do not underestimate me! I know what it is you seek. You are searching for a power greater than any weapon man has ever known! A power that could destroy all mankind!
8-Bit Mickey: Well, he IS funnier than Jeff Dunham. You gotta give him that.
Cat: You are seeking a power known as Malachite's Hand.
The group looks stunned and confused.
NC: How'd you know that?
Cat: Never you mind. Only those who truly know the value of its power may find it. Only those who are true of heart can unmask its secret and unwield its enchanted magic.
Chick: Doesn't the fact that it's magic already make it enchanted?
Cat: Silence! You are not worthy or destined for its power!
NC: What's your name, beast?
Cat: I am a creature of the ancient world simply known as... Cat.
The group scoffs at the creature.
NC: That's your actual name? Cat?
Cat: Pretty much, yes.
Linkara: What, it took you a whole two seconds to come with that?
Bennett: Yeah, a third grader could come up with that.
NC: I know! You'd think for a creature of the “ancient world” he'd have a more creative name than “Cat!”
Cat: What? It's straightforward and self-explanatory!
Lupa: It's self-explanatory that you are an idiot!
Cat: Hey! I don't have to take this!
NC: What are you gonna do, start The Muppet Show?
Cat: You can't talk to a servant of the ancient world that way! I demand respect!
NC: Yeah, whatever. *turns to Benzaie * Conan, go cut his balls off.
Benzaie: Right! I will crush the pussy!
Cat: I warn you! I am a demon of another realm!
Benzaie: Die, timid beast!
Suddenly, the puppeteer controlling Cat gets up, still using the puppet, and starts punching Benzaie in the stomach.
NC: *turns to his group * Come on! He needs our help!
They draw their weapons and advance on the puppeteer. The puppeteer moves forward, punching out the Nostalgia Critic, Linkara, Phelous, ROBGuy-88, and Handsome Tom. He uses the puppet Cat to bite Mickey's nose. Meanwhile, Lupa faints nearby. As Mickey struggles with Cat, Phelous advances on the puppeteer.
8-Bit Mickey: It's eating my face!
Phelous: Rock Biter smash!
The puppeteer moves swiftly, grabbing onto Phelous' nose with his free hand.
Phelous: Ow! He's got my nose!
The Nostalgia Critic springs up, yelling, and charges at the puppeteer.
Phelous: Who does that?!
As the NC gets closer, the puppeteer moves Mickey and Phelous in front of him, blocking the NC's attack at the last moment and forcing NC to knock out his colleagues.
NC: Oh, sorry!
The puppeteer punches out the NC again. Using Cat, he looks to his left and spots Bennett. The two start roaring and hissing at each other before the puppeteer steps on Bennett's foot hard. As Bennett flails in agony, Cat looks away and runs into the stomach of Handsome Tom. He looks up at Tom as Tom looks down at him.
Handsome Tom: I'm Willow.
After a moment's pause, the puppeteer hits Tom in the stomach with Cat causing him to double over in pain. Meanwhile, the NC moves over to Linkara, ROBGuy-88, and the Nostalgia Chick.
NC: I can't believe this! We're losing to a demented after school special!
The puppeteer holds Benzaie by the neck as he fends off Phelous, Bennett, Mickey, and Tom.
Benzaie: I want my big... muscular... mommy!
Linkara: We must think of something, and think of something quickly! That kitty's dynamite!
ROBGuy-88: Papa Shango could pull a Death Valley Driver onto his Muppet-Ass! (silence) (normal voice) Nah. Too Violent.
Chick: Perhaps I could distract him with my Arwen montage!
NC: Your what?
Chick: Watch and observe.
The Nostalgia Chick moves forward toward the puppeteer. He stops what he's doing, dropping Benzaie, and staring at her. The Chick waves her hands in front of her, causing the scene to brighten. Then, fades of various trees along with various points of view shots of the Chick are shown.
Chick: *During the fade outs, she at first speaks Elvish, which is not understood by the viewer, however she also sticks some pop culture references in her whispered speech* Chickety China, the Chinese chicken. Have a drum stick and your brain stops tickin'.... Well, I done seen about everything... 'til I see an elephant fly...
As the puppeteer stands still, looking around in confusion, the Chick uses her distraction and punches him, knocking him out.
Bennett: Right, Nostalgia Chick!
8-Bit Mickey: Yeah, I've never seen someone over-romanticize a bunch of nothing so well!
The Chick looks modest.
NC: Oh! Speaking of which...
The group gathers around the fainted Lupa.
Benzaie: Is she alright?
NC: I don't know.
ROBGuy-88: *ducking down toward Lupa* Maybe she needs mouth to mouth.
NC: *stops him* Hey! That's my job. *smirking, he crouches toward Lupa*
Linkara: *stopping NC* Hey, hey! She's coming around.
Lupa's eyes flutter open and she puts her hand to her head, letting out a soft moan.
NC: Yeah, way to puss out on us, Lupa.
Lupa: Oh, I... must have swooned... I was just trying to stay in precious character.
NC: Yeah, well your “pwecious character” is starting to become a real pain in the ass.
Lupa grabs the NC's tie swiftly and hauls herself to her feet, looking angry.
Lupa: Alright, listen here, you skirted little green fairy!
8-Bit Mickey: Ha! It's funny 'cause it isn't me.
Lupa: I wanna find this treasure just as much as anybody else. So, why don't you keep to your funny little leprechaun character and I'll keep to mine. Got it?!
Lupa walks away from the Critic in a huff. He looks back at her.
NC: Well, excuuuuuuse me, princess.
The rest of the group looks at the Critic, appalled.
ROBGuy-88: You just had to quote that didn’t you?
NC: Yeah... Yeah, that did sound douchey. Promise me you'll never let me do that again.
NC: 'Kay. Onward to adventure!
As the group moves onward, Linkara speaks up.
Linkara: You know everybody. I say this calls for a song! *singing* The phantom of the opera is---
The sound of a sword unsheathing is heard and Linkara stops singing.
Linkara: I'll be quiet.
Meanwhile, the other group walks along a path by a field. Spoony leaps to the head of the group.
Spoony: Ride, my fellowship, and show us the meaning of haste! For the markings suggest that salvation lies yonder, on the very slopes of Mount Doom!
The group looks confused for a moment. Todd in the Shadows speaks up.
Todd: He says go that way. *points forward*
Paw: Ah. This forest has so much history to it. And so much rage! Feed me your rage, forest! H-tgh-tgh-tgh-tgh!
Joe: I am concerned about Paw. He's got this Woody Woodpecker thing of the undead going on.
Paw: *talking to some twigs* Feed me your rage, forest! H-tgh-tgh-tgh-tgh!
Film Brain taps Luke's shoulder as they walk behind the group.
Film Brain: Listen, Great White North. I know you think you're hot shit around here, but let's make one thing clear. Mr. Critic is mine, do you understand?
Luke: Well... I'm just working hard like any other person who loves his job.
Film Brain: *mockingly* “I'm just working hard like any other person who loves his job.” I know your game, Luke Canuck. You are a speck. And I don't even notice you because that's how insignificant you are!
Luke: Well, if I'm so insignificant, why are you bringing this up?
Film Brain: ...You're a pea.
Luke: ...Did you just call me a pea?
Film Brain: *holds up to fingers close together * This is you. And you're screaming to all the other peas, “Oh, save me! Oh, save me! He's going to eat me!” But I've already eaten the other peas. Om nom nom nom! Hahahahahaha!
Luke: Wow. That's a lot of peas.
Film Brain: Yeah.
Luke: And... I'm just full of them.
Film Brain: Right.
Luke: I am totally full of pea-ness.
Film Brain: You got it.
Luke: So... What are you gonna do?
Film Brain: I will eat your pea-ness!
The rest of the group, having heard only Film Brain's last remark, looks back in shock and disgust. Film Brain back pedals his words as if his life depended on it.
Film Brain: Oh, n-no no no no! I didn't mean that! I didn't mean that! It's just---
Joe: Yeah, whatever! You go to the back!
Film Brain: I'm... already at the back.
Joe: Go back further!
Film Brain slows his walking, sulking a little behind the group. At the front of the group, JewWario is playing with his crystal ball. Cinema Snob talks to him.
Snob: So what kind of weapon is a ball?
JewWario: Oh, it can be used for many things! You can use it to throw it at your enemies, or distracting them with it's whimsical dance.
Snob: Hypnotizing them with its cheap novelty?
JewWario: Alright, smart ass, what is your secret weapon?
Snob: I use what all tough heterosexual men use. A whip. *holds up a belt*
JewWario: ...A whip?
Snob: Yes. Ain't no one gonna mess with a man holding this.
JewWario: ...That's a belt.
Snob: I know. They wouldn't let me carry a weapon on the plane, so it's a whip now.
JewWario: *mockingly* Oh, well it certainly is terrifying.
Snob: Hey, I can whip a half a dozen school childrens' ass with this, so shut up!
JewWario: *still mockingly* Oh, you mean like your son, Shia LaBeouf.
Snob: ...You belong in a museum!
As the group walks along, MarzGurl suddenly stops, bringing up her hand to signal the others to stop and accidentally hitting Todd.
MarzGurl: *speaks in Japanese * (in subtitles: I smell something in the air.)
JewWario: Well, that didn't sound like Claire Danes.
MarzGurl: *in Japanese* (subtitles: Silence!)
MarzGurl sniffs the air, as if searching for something.
MarzGurl: *in Japanese * (subtitles: We're being followed.)
The group looks around, confused. Spoony steps forward.
Spoony: Yeah, look, hun. We no speaky the Miyazaki. If only you spoke the tongues of Elves or Men!
MarzGurl: *in Japanese* (subtitles: There!)
MarzGurl points ahead of the group at a trio of figures in cloaks brandishing swords. This is the same trio seen at the end of the first part.
The figure in the middle lowers his sword and speaks to the group.
Cloak 1: Greetings, travelers. We are the guardians of Malachite's Hand.
Film Brain: Guardians?
Cloak 1: Yes, there are several of us! All dedicated to keeping those who are not worthy from discovering its true power.
Joe: Hey! We're worthy!
JewWario: Yes, would someone unworthy be wearing something as magnificent as this?
Snob: Or carry a belt?
Cloak 1: If you knew what was best for you, you would turn around and never return.
Spoony: *stepping forward * Let me speak to them. *to the guardians * What do they call you guardians of old?
Cloak 1: We have been named... The Cloaks.
Luke: Why do they call you that?
Todd: Well, obviously because they like wearing go-go boots. What do you think?!
Cloak 1: Turn around now, friends.
Cloak 2: Yes, turn around now!
Cloak 3: Turn around before it's too late!
Spoony: Right! *brandishes his staff*
Cloak 1: I thought we agreed I was going to do all the talking.
Cloak 2: Sorry.
Spoony: There's only one way to handle this!
Spoony reaches a hand in his bag at his side. Paw comes up behind him.
Paw: What's that you have there?
Spoony: Something no wizard should be without!
Paw: Can I have some?
Spoony walks up to the head of the Cloaks.
Spoony: Oh, they might seem mighty, but their power is nothing more then mere fool of a tookery compared to the power of a lightning bolt wielded by an Ishtari!
Todd: *whispering to JewWario* I think that means he's angry.
Spoony: Come, noble warriors! Face the wrath of the master mages!
Spoony takes his hand out of the bag and throws two small baggies at the head of the Cloaks.
Spoony: Two magic! Two magic!
Both groups stand in an awkward silence.
Cloak 1: Well what?
Spoony: That was bird seed!
Cloak 1: Yes?
Spoony: You're supposed to... fall down now, and raise your hands above your head and run back to the supervisor saying you're dead!
They don't move, staring in confusion.
Spoony: Okay, I think I see what the problem is.
He hands his staff to one of the Cloaks to hold as he takes off his hat and moves his beard.
Spoony: Okay, looky here, fanboys. You guys are probably from what, the, uh, that World of Darkness game? Doing the Rock, Paper, Scissors thing? Okay, seriously, lame! Amateur! That's basic level D&D, guys. We're doing the bird seed thing today, okay? I hit you with the packet, I say “two magic,” I hit you with the packet, I say “two magic,” lay down on the ground, twitch, and just pretend like you're a hamster, right? Unless you guys are, like, are any one of you guys like a support class, like Warlord or Cleric?
The Cloaks stand in silence.
Spoony: It doesn't matter. Anyway, I hit you. Two magic. So, now you go down.
Spoony attempts to push the cloaked figure to the ground. The figure doesn't move.
Spoony: Come on, now, let's not be childish about this. Okay? *He keeps shoving, to no avail.* Hngh! Ungh! Okay, easy, we can do this! Hurk! Down! Eh! Eh! Ugh! *He finally gives up. * Ugh! Okay! Okay! If that's the way you guys wanna play it, I'm simply gonna have to report you guys to the game master. You guys are in serious trouble. You guys are never gonna play this game again, you know.
The head Cloak lets out a ferocious roar as lightning flashes out of nowhere. Spoony opens his mouth and stares in terror.
Spoony: You know... I've suddenly decided I'm terribly afraid of you.
Spoony puts his beard back on, takes his staff back, and grabs his hat, running back to his group while screaming.
Spoony: This power is beyond any of you!
Joe: *stepping forward * Stand aside, my friends. Let me handle this.
Joe takes out his sword, aiming it at the Cloaks.
Joe: 'Allo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my mother---
Cloak 1: Father.
Joe: Somebody! Prepare to die!
Paw: Don't worry, Montoya! I will help you in your time of crisis! H-tgh-tgh-tgh-tgh!
The head Cloak hands his sword to one of his colleagues and swirls his hands in front of him, summoning a lightning bolt in front of him. Once he's gathered enough of a charge, he throws it at the group. They all dodge and duck out of the way just in time and the ball of lightning explodes in the background.
Paw and Joe: Holy shit!
Todd: Wet yourselves and run!
The group makes a hasty retreat and the three Cloaks pursue. The man in black from the beginning of the first part watches from a distance.
The Critic and his group continue to make their way through the forest. NC stops, spotting something.
NC: Well, that's lucky.
A lawn chair is shown sitting by itself in the middle of a path. NC looks back at everyone.
NC: Tired, my friends?
NC: As am I. But we have quite a problem. *cut to chair* One chair and several of us. Now, I'm sure there's a perfectly rational adult way to deal with this- Dibs!
Linkara: Dibs! Ah! *looks frustrated*
NC chuckles in triumph and goes over, sitting down as the others look slightly annoyed. The group tries to rest up.
Phelous: *to dolls* That's right, friends. We're gonna rest now!
ROBGuy-88: Still trying to learn how these voodoo spells work.
Linkara approaches the Critic and kneels down beside him.
Linkara: Might I bring up something troubling to you as your noble king?
NC: *doesn't look at him* If I said no, would it matter?
Linkara: Well, don't you think it's odd that there's just a chair in the middle of the forest?
NC: *opens eyes and looks at him* What are you talkin' about, Hamlet?
Linkara: Well well well... Just something as easily movable as a chair just sitting here in the middle of the forest. Almost as if someone was waiting here for a while.
NC: ...That's a good point.
Linkara: Almost as if someone was...watching us.
NC looks around at the seemingly empty forest.
NC: Actually, that's a really, really good point.
Linkara: We best be on our guard.
Linkara: Make sure we're really well-prepared.
Linkara: Don't trust anyone.
Linkara: We need...
Linkara: *holds up binder* A musical number!
Linkara: *singing* We need a musical to start this song now-
NC: Get out of here! We're not singing!
Linkara: *opens binder* Oh, come on! I'm already working on the lyrics. *picks up pencil* By the way, do you know anything that rhymes with castrati?
Linkara flinches and closes the binder, moving away. NC sighs, looking satisfied, and sits back. Meanwhile, 8-Bit Mickey, ROBGuy-88, and Bennett urge the Chick and Lupa on. The girls protest all the while.
Bennett: Come on!
8-Bit Mickey: Just do it already!
ROBGuy-88: For the good of everyone, just do it! Go!
8-Bit Mickey: Go! Go!
Chick: *sighs* Fine!
The two women approach the Critic.
Chick: Critic, honey, um... There's a little something that we need to talk about.
NC: *leans forward* Yeah? And what's that, ladies?
Lupa: Well, there's a certain article of clothing that you have on that you may not be used to...
Chick: And as such, there's a certain etiquette you might wanna keep in mind while you're...wearing it?
NC: *leans back, exposing his brief-covered crotch* What are you talkin' about?
Lupa: *facepalms* Sweet Jesus.
She walks away, leaving the Chick to deal with this...dilemma. NC continues to show off his crotch while she attempts to make him realize it, gesturing throughout.
Chick: There are certain... There are certain things that sh...should be covered...up.
NC: *oblivious* I know. That's why I got the hat.
Chick: There are... There are certain things that need to remain closed.
NC: *still oblivious* I know, and I for one respect Chick-fil-A for not serving people on Sunday. Now, if only we can get it where they don't serve Christians.
Chick: There are certain things- *gives up* I can see your balls.
Chick: I can see your balls. Like, hanging out of your tighty whities.
NC: *looks down* Oh, good God! *He tugs the skirt down and looks around.*
Chick: I can see your sack.
NC: Oh my God! You could see my junk this whole time? That's terrible! *tugs skirt frantically* How do you ladies walk around in these things?!
Chick: Well, you want us to show you?
The Critic looks up at her. Meanwhile, Phelous is holding his dolls near his ears, as if listening to them. ROBGuy is seen next to him.
Phelous: What's that my little friends? You want me to kill Bennett? We can't do that. He hasn't done anything to us. There's no reason to kill him! ...Or is there?
ROBGuy-88: They’re action figures!
He contemplates this and stares at ROBGuy while Bennett watches him from very close by. Meanwhile, Lupa is teaching the Critic how to curtsy as Ponchielli's "Dance of the Hours" plays. He doesn't look amused.
NC: This is so embarrassing.
Lupa: Posture, Critic, posture. You'll never be a lady that way.
NC: I don't wanna be a lady!
Lupa grabs him by the tie, pulling him close.
Lupa: You'll be a lady and like it, panty-wearing sissy!
She lets him go and smiles, and he begrudgingly continues. As the Chick is checking her costume, Ma-Ti's hand and arm come into view, holding a contact lens.
Ma-Ti: I found it.
The Chick gasps.
Ma-Ti: It took me a while, but I finally found it!
Chick: Um... *clears throat and looks over at NC and Lupa* Hey! Little Women! Get over here.
The Critic stops curtsying and walks over, sounding annoyed.
NC: Ma-Ti? What, what, what, what, what, what are you doing here?
Ma-Ti: I found Nostalgia Chick's contact lens. Can I join your mission now?
NC: Um... We'd like to have you, Ma-Ti. We'd really like to, but, um... There's another special mission that we need you for.
Ma-Ti: Really? What's that?
He looks over and spots 8-Bit Mickey sharpening a stick with his blade.
NC: Mickey has erectile dysfunction.
Mickey stops what he's doing and looks up.
8-Bit Mickey: What?!
Ma-Ti: Wooooow! How do you know that?
NC: Doesn't matter. Bottom line is this is a problem that he has to live with every day. Look at the anger on that face. *Mickey stares angrily, shaking his head* Look how tormented he is. That is years and years of pain building up. It's bad. Real bad. And we can't live with it, Ma-Ti. It has to be solved.
Ma-Ti: Couldn't I just buy some Viagra for him?
NC: You could...if it wasn't psychological.
NC: ...Mickey likes goats.
Mickey angrily snaps the stick in two.
NC: Yes. And he can only get it up to goat...porn.
Ma-Ti: They make that?
NC: It's the Internet, Ma-Ti. They have porn for everything. Especially for people as sick, demented, and twisted as Mickey. *Mickey still looks angry as he says this* So go, Ma-Ti. Go to the library! Find information! Everything you can about goat...porn! Find the goat porn, and you'll find the way.
Ma-Ti: But Critic, how...wha...I-
NC: *interrupts* Ah bup bup bup bup! Ma-Ti... The power is yours.
NC: Okay. *pats his shoulder*
Ma-Ti: Okay, I'll find the goat porn.
NC: *to the others* Alright people, let's get movin'!
The Chick sighs and everyone follows as "Dance of the Hours" plays again. Ma-Ti stops Mickey.
Ma-Ti: Don't worry, Mickey. I'll help you overcome your problems with bestiality.
Just then Linkara walks by, hears this, and gives them a weird look before moving forward.
8-Bit Mickey: Well, ah... *lightly punches Ma-Ti's chest* What more could a goatfucker ask for? Alright.
He pats his shoulder and continues on as Ma-Ti looks satisfied, going the opposite way.
NC: *reading the map* God, this thing is so difficult to follow. *moves further ahead* Who would've thought a chain letter would be so difficult?
Group: A chain letter?!
NC: Shouldn't have said that. *turns around*
Lupa: We've been following a chain letter this whole time?
Handsome Tom: Fucker!
ROBGuy-88: Douche! Wait I mean, (in Papa Shango voice) Papa Shango does not approve!
NC: Okay, it may have come from an anonymous source, but I swear it's legit! *Everyone looks angry* Oh, by the way, we have to mail this to 50 or more people or else we get bad luck.
Suddenly a loud, deep voice booms through the forest.
Voice: Go no further!
Everyone looks around, a little scared and confused.
Voice: Go no further! I am the Watcher in the Woods. I see all.
NC: Well, what do you want?
Voice: Anyone who wishes to pass must answer three questions correctly. Only then will I allow them admittance. If not, you do not want to know the alternative.
NC: *nods* Alright. Ask your questions.
Voice: Question one: Do you have any money?
Voice: Do your friends have any money?
Voice: Is there any place close by where you can get money?
NC: Not really, no!
Suddenly, Chester A. Bum pops out from behind a tree, holding his cup like a megaphone.
Chester: Okay, you can go.
The Critic and his group roll their eyes and sigh. As they head past...
NC: Does that ever work?
Chester: *glares* It does for people who have MONEY!
Cut to black. Shots of various parts of the forest are then seen with peaceful music, which is swiftly ruined as Spoony's group sprint over a footbridge. Spoony stops near the end and turns around.
Spoony: You shall not pass!
He slams his staff down, only to yelp and run away when his hat is shot off by Cloak 1's magic. The Cloaks approach and Cloak 1 readies and throws another spell. JewWario turns and manages to deflect it off his crotch, yelping and running away. The Cloaks dodge it, and Cloak 3 puts his hand on Cloak 1's shoulder.
Cloak 3: Don't use the magic. You know what it does to you! Besides, you're a lousy shot. *runs off*
Cloak 1: Yes. All I need for them is this. *brandishes sword and runs*
Film Brain and Luke continue to run. FB makes Luke trip, causing him to briefly fall behind before quickly running to catch up. The group run across a field with the Cloaks in quick pursuit. The group eventually stops once they've gotten ahead.
Paw: Ah, at last! A worthy place to call our battlefield!
The group yell and run over to...a children's playground. They get into position as the Cloaks approach.
Marzgurl: *in Japanese, gesturing* (subtitles: Come on!)
The Cloaks start their attack. Paw engages one with his stick.
Paw: Ah, bring it! Bring it! Bring it!
Marzgurl fends one off with her spear as Joe and Snob fight in the background.
Paw: *keeps fighting* Talented now, are you?
Todd: *fighting* Come on! I barely know these guys! I just do music reviews! I don't even like these people!
Cloak 1 comes after Luke. Thinking quickly, he slides down a tunnel slide and Cloak 1 attempts to follow, only to get stuck.
Cloak 1: Ahh! This slide was not made for the husky gentleman!
Luke shrugs and runs off. Meanwhile, Spoony fights off a Cloak with his staff as Todd keeps fighting.
Todd: I can't even tell who I'm fighting! That's not you Joe, is it?
The Snob grabs onto a slider and crosses as the Indiana Jones theme plays, kicking a Cloak in the face. He then slides backwards.
Snob: Ah, crap! *crashes*
Joe hops onto a swing and laughs, engaging Cloak 2 in a sword fight.
Joe: Ah, you are using Capafello's Defense on me, ah? Haha!
Meanwhile, Spoony and Paw take turns fighting Cloaks on either side of them.
Spoony: Go back to the darkness!
Paw: Give into the darkness!
Spoony: Rage will not avail you!
Paw: Rage... More rage!
Cloak 1 yelps as Snob knocks away his sword and grabs it. He goes onto the playground bridge to get away, only to be cornered by Cloak 2 and 1.
Snob: Aw, shit.
After weighing his options, Snob holds up the sword.
Snob: Prepare to meet Kali, in Hell!
He slams the sword onto the "ropes," resulting in nothing but a clang. The Cloaks look at him.
Snob: *nervously* Yeah. I think this is yours. *Hands the sword to Cloak 1*
He quickly pokes Cloak 1 in the eyes and runs past. Spoony keeps fighting and JewWario dodges their attacks.
Todd: *fighting* Ha ha! Take that, you villainous Cloak!
It's revealed he's fighting Film Brain.
Film Brain: *panicking* It's not a Cloak! It's Film Brain! Oh God!
Todd: I don't care! I can't see a thing!
JewWario turns to see Cloaks 1 and 3 behind him. He begins waving his ball around, making them watch it.
Cloak 3: My God, look at that!
Cloak 1: It's hypnotizing us with its cheap novelty!
Marzgurl quickly comes in and knocks both away with her spear. She and JewWario nod to each other. As Cloak 3 lies on the ground, Joe points his sword at him.
Joe: 'Allo. My name is Inigo Montaya. You killed my lawyer.
Cloak 3: Father.
Joe: Whoever! Prepare to die!
He brings his sword down, only to have it knocked away. Cloak 3 knocks him down and attacks, forcing Joe to roll out of the way. Meanwhile, Marzgurl fights with a Cloak, but ends up losing her balance and dropping her spear. The Snob notices this.
He crawls and catches her hand as she hangs on. She looks down at the spear, which is now on the ground.
Snob: Marzgurl... *notices the spear* Marzgurl. Marzgurl. Don't, Marzgurl!
Marzgurl: *in Japanese* (subtitles: I can reach it!)
Snob: Marzgurl. Give me your other hand, honey. I can't hold you!
Marzgurl: *in Japanese* (subtitles: I can reach it! I can reach it!)
Snob: Give me your other hand, h- Marzgurl!
She screams as she falls...down a slide. Snob rests his cheek in his hand, sighing.
Snob: Yeah, this is kinda silly.
As Film Brain and Cloak 1 fight, Todd is shown fighting...a metal pole. FB and Cloak 1 stop to watch him, looking confused as he fights then falls down. The two groups continue to fight, when suddenly...
Voice: 'Scuse me!
The two groups stop and look to see a mother and her daughter staring at them.
Mother: My daughter would like to play on the playground, please.
Spoony: But we're...fighting for the fate of mankind...
Cloak 1: Er... Humanity...
Mother: I don't care what your little D&D friends are doing. This is a public playground, and my little girl wants to play.
Joe: *comes forward* Oh, come on! She's way too old to be in a playground! What, does she believe in Santa Claus too? *chuckles*
The girl looks shocked, and her mother looks angry. Cloak 1 slaps Joe on the back of the head.
Mother: *through gritted teeth* Get. Off. Now!
The girl runs through the playground and slides while Spoony's group and the Cloaks stand off to one side.
Snob: Well, this is embarrassing.
Spoony: We must make haste to another battlefield! One where parent's permission matters not!
The two groups run off together and end up finding a much smaller, less impressive playground.
Paw: *sighs* It's not as good as the last one.
Film Brain: The other one had sand castles!
Cloak 1: *shrugs* It'll have to do.
He moves forward, gesturing for them to follow, and points to the bottom of the slide and top of some stair-like structure.
Cloak 1: Alright. Cloak Number 2, I think you were there. Cloak Number 3, a little further up if you don't mind. *They get into position* Alright, are we ready to get this fight back on the road?
They turn around, only to see that Spoony's group has vanished.
Cloak 3: Son of a bitch!
Cloak 1: I guess we were a little too assuming.
Cloak 3: Son of a bitch!
Spoony's group continue on their way.
JewWario: Boy, they really thought that we were Boy Scouts, didn't they?
Marzgurl: *in Japanese* (subtitles: A little too assuming.)
Spoony: Pray those cloak-ed devils no hither no more. Onward to adventure!
As they walk on...
Todd: Say, you didn't lose the map in the battle, did you?
Spoony: Ha! What sort of half-baked wizard do you take me for?
Pan down to see the map's now lying on the path.
Todd: Do you really want me to answer that?
The Nostalgia Critic and his group continue their way through the forest trail. As Critic is viewing the map, Linkara begins to make conversation.
Linkara: You know, Critic, I couldn't help but feel that you're... not getting into character.
NC: Well, sure I am. I'm all magical and shit.
Linkara: Well it's just that... The map says that we must be in character in order to find the treasure. It... helps us find our way...
NC: Alright, Sir Dicks-alot, tell me what this means then: "You will ask which warrior which way to go. Which way do you think which warrior will show?" Now what the hell does that mean?
The party is startled be a clap of thunder.
ROBGuy-88: Papa Shango sense danger!
They look forward to see a little lady with thick, black glasses, a pointed rubber nose, a large witch hat, and a black track suit.
Witch: *with a friendly wave* Hello!
NC: Boy, this guy couldn't spell worth jack shit. *to witch* Hey, you need a "T" in here in order for this pun to work!
Witch: Well, next time I see the ol' Jaffer, I'll give him the info.
NC: So, you know Jaffers too, huh? Lemme guess: You're supposed to be Witch Warrior.
Witch: That's the whole kit n' kabootle!
Linkara: Then tell us, Witch Warrior: Which way... to Malachite's Hand?
Witch: Hmm, take one hundred steps, turn left in the forest, keep goin' straight.
Linkara: Huh, that was easy.
Witch: But unfortunately, you have to pass by me in order to continue. It's my job as Good Witch of the Woods.
The party begins to snicker.
NC: Really? You're the Good Witch of the Woods, huh?
Benzaie: Oh, we're supposed to be scared of the Good Witch of the Woods?
Witch: If you could, yes.
NC: Alright, Kiki. Mrs. Good Witch of the Woods.
Critic, Linkara, Phelous, Bennett, and ROBGuy-88 approach the witch to mock her mercilessly.
NC: *in baby talk* Oh, who's a good witch? Oh, you are a good witch!
Critic, Linkara, Phelous, Bennett, and ROBGuy all begin to spout baby talk at the witch as the rest of the party chuckles.
Witch: Ah, ha, ha, alright, very funny...
NC: Oh, who's a good witch? Oh, you are a good witch!
Bennett: You're such a good witch! Aww, such a good witch!
The witch begins to voice her annoyance, but Critic, Linkara, Phelous, Bennett, and ROBGuy-88 continue to mock her as the rest of the group laughs on. The five begin to play Ring-Around-the-Rosie around the increasing annoyed witch, and before they can finish their rhyme, the witch grabs Critic's wrist to a dramatic chord. Critic looks down at the witch, who looks up at him with glowing red eyes and begins to speak in a demonic voice.
Witch: YOU WILL PERISH IN THE FLAMING PITS OF HELL, WHERE THE DEMONS ASMODEUS AND ASMARA WILL FEAST ON YOUR BOILING FLESH AND CHEW ON YOUR EYEBALLS!!! THEN, A THOUSAND YEARS OF BLAZING TORMENT!!!!!
Critic screams hysterically as the witch makes her threat. Linkara, Phelous, Bennett, and ROBGuy-88 flee midway through her speech. Critic is finally able to escape the witch's grasp and cowers behind Nostalgia Chick. The witch immerses herself in light, her screams echoing throughout the woods. She then swiftly returns to her kind demeanor.
Witch: Neat, huh?
NC: Stupid chain letter, I knew I shouldn't have followed it. Why didn't any of you try to stop me?!
Witch: Chain letter?
A brief silence occurs as the witch has discovered something amiss.
Witch: But Jaffers didn't- Oh... Oh dear... Perhaps it's better if you die now rather than wait for what's coming. I know what hunts you, and believe me, it's much kinder if I just, mmm... smash your brains in and and drink from your bleeding skulls.
The witch then screams maniacally and summons lightning from the sky, causing the party to scatter all around. Among the hysteria, Phelous drops his dolls. Before he can retrieve them, lighting strikes them, destroying them.
Phelous: *sobbing* My friends!
ROBGuy grabs Phelous
ROBGuy-88: They’re fucking action figures!
ROBGuy leaves as Phelous begins to cry.
The witch continues her spell, cackling demonically. ROBGuy-88 then takes out his voodoo book and approaches her.
NC: ROBGuy-88? Where the hell are you goin'?
ROBGuy-88: Just want to see if this works!
ROBGuy walks up to the witch, still summoning lightning around her. The rest of the party look on in suspense. ROBGuy steps in front of the witch and opens his voodoo book.
ROBGuy-88: YOU! Have stepped into Papa Shango’s Black Circle! And now you will face the consequences. For the wind of the south…brings death!
The witch stumbles back, her spell ceased as her abdomen goes into pain as part of the curse ROBGuy put on her. She then starts cursing in a demonic voice.
Witch: OH, YOU BUNGHOLE!!! NOOOOO, YOU TORTUROUS COCK GOBLIN!!! YOU HAVEN'T HEARD THE LAST OF MEEEEEEEE!!!!!
The witch then disappears into a ball of light.
ROBGuy-88: You fish me again, Papa Shango will fish you. Hahahaha.
The party is left speechless after what had just occurred.
Benzaie: How did she do this?
Linkara: It's magic. You don't have to explain it.
NC: Don't be stupid, there's no such thing as magic.
Linkara: *annoyed* Really? Then how did she do it?!
The party stares at the empty trail the the witch once was. Critic is unable to answer an impatient Linkara.
NC: Keep movin'.
The party continues onward.
Cut to the map Spoony had lost, still where it was since Episode 3. A valley girl talking on her phone walks up to it.
Girl: *talking on phone* And my dad shot her. It was weird. *she notices the map* Hold on a sec.
The girl bends over to reach for the map. Before she can pick it up, and cane pins the map down. She looks up to see the mysterious person looking down at her.
Mysterious Person: Where did you find that?
Girl: Just here. Is it yours?
The stranger picks up the map and looks around aimlessly.
Girl: Excuse me. I said, "Is it yours?"
The stranger continues to ignore her.
Girl: Well, if it's not yours, I'm takin' it? Finders keepers.
The girl tries to take the map from the stranger, but the stranger holds on to it to a dramatic chord.
Girl: *tugging for the map* Hey, come on. *she goes back to her phone* No, no, Frank, it's just a... Rocky Horror reject.
MP: Is that your phone?
MP: Don't use that.
Girl: Why not?
MP: Just don't.
Girl: *toyingly* Why?
MP: What do you think of the 21st century?
Girl: I don't know. I can't see that far into the future.
MP: Does your cocoon of technological webbing keep you safe? Does it protect you from the real evils of this world? Do you feel better knowing what every last man, woman, and child is doing this very moment, all across this fearsome existence? Every message, every podcast, Facebook, "Charlie Fucking Bit Me!" Does it enrich your life? Does it give you... purpose?
The girl has no idea what to think of the man's question, then gives a flirtatious smile.
Girl: Hey, you're kinda hot. What'cha doin' tonight?
A bolt of red lightning crashes on top of the girl, causing her to explode. The stranger, map in hand, walks away from the pool of fire where the girl once was.
Cut to Spoony's party, walking through a trail. Spoony holds his hand up to halt the group from continuing into a forked road.
Spoony: The path is split! No more shall we wander naked in the dark. 'Tis time to see where the next arrow lies.
The group looks confused until Todd in the Shadows translates.
Todd: He's checking the map.
Group: Oh, okay...
Spoony looks into his bag, but becomes troubled when the map is not there.
Spoony: Um, oopsie-doodle.
Todd: What? What is it?
Spoony: Well, um... uh...
Todd: Did you lose the map?
Spoony: I'm not saying that, uh...
Todd: *raising his voice* Well, what are you saying?
Spoony: ...Well, I'm saying it now.
The party groans.
Snob: This is intolerable.
Paw: A pox on your houses!!!
MarzGurl: *speaks in Japanese* (in subtitles: Yeah, what he said.)
Spoony: No wait, wait. I think I remember what it said on the map.
Todd: You couldn't remember the goddamn alphabet!
Spoony: No, really! I believe it said, "If the path should split from left to right, pick up a stone and say 'Give me light.'"
Joe: "Pick up a stone and 'Give me light?'"
Spoony: Well, I think so.
Snob: Oh, right. *picks up a stone* Like I'm just supposed to pick up a stone, stand here, and say "Give me light?"
A cut to Spoony's Gatecleaner character suddenly appears, with an accompanying loud gong.
Cinema Snob is startled and drops the stone.
Cinema Snob's jumpiness grabs the others' attention.
JewWario: What was that?
Snob: Nobody saw that?
Snob: *picks up another stone* You actually pick up a stone, stand here, and say, "Give me light."
The Gatecleaner pops up again.
Cinema Snob is startled again and drops the rock.
Everyone is taken aback by Snob's reaction.
Luke: Okay. *picks up a rock* I'll try it.
Film Brain: Like hell you will. *tries to take Luke's stone* Give me that!
Luke: *still holding on to his rock* Like hell you will, Spotted Dick.
Film Brain: Back off, Dudley Do-Right!
Luke and Film Brain: *both holding the rock* Give me light!
The Gatecleaner pops up again.
Gatecleaner: DOOOOOOOO!!!!! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...
The Gatecleaner's appearance startles the two, but they manage to hold on to the rock.
Gatecleaner: So, puny mortals, you are looking for the correct path to lead you to Malachite's Hand?
Luke and Film Brain: Yes...
Gatecleaner: Then follow these words closely, for I shall not repeat them. Go to-
Film Brain suddenly drops the rock.
Film Brain: Bollocks! *retrieves rock*
Luke: Film Brain!
Film Brain: Sorry.
The two hold onto the rock again.
Luke and Film Brain: Give me light!
The Gatecleaner appears yet again.
Gatecleaner: DAAAAAAAHH!!!!! Don't let that happen again! These rocks already get bad reception!
Luke and Film Brain: Sorry.
Gatecleaner: Good. Now go to the r-
Luke suddenly drops the rock.
Luke: Oh, hold on. I better right this down. *searches himself for a pen and paper*
Film Brain: Just remember it!
Luke: Ugh, fine! *retrieves rock*
Film Brain: Like working a second grader.
The two hold onto the rock.
Luke and Film Brain: Give me light!
The Gatecleaner appears once more.
Luke and Film Brain: *unamused* Seen it.
Gatecleaner: Now stop dropping the damn rock already! I'm a busy man and I haven't got all day! Got it?!
Luke and Film Brain: Yes, sir.
Gatecleaner: Alright! But this is the last time, I swear to God! If you miss it, you miss it. Now, go-
A phone rings.
Luke: Oh, hang on a second.
Luke drops the rock to answer his phone. The party looks on, growing more frustrated.
Luke: *on phone* Hello? ...Oh, hi Mom. ...Yeah, I'm on a quest for buried treasure. Isn't that cool? ...No, this one's for real this time. *more quietly* No, I won't bring home another dead animal.
The party looks fed up.
Luke: *on phone* Okay, love you, too. Bye. *hangs up and puts away phone* We may continue. *retrieves rock*
Film Brain: *sarcastically* Oh, may we?
The two hold onto the rock.
Luke and Film Brain: Give me light!
The Gatecleaner pops up once more.
Luke: Ugh, do you have to do that every time?
Gatecleaner: I'm contractually obligated to, yes. Now stop dropping the damn rock!!!
Film Brain: Hang on, I've got an idea!
Film Brain places the rock on the palm of his and Luke's hands.
Film Brain: *tosses rock* Whoo! *catches rock*
Film Brain: *tosses rock* Whoo! *catches rock*
Film Brain: *tosses rock* Whoo! *catches rock*
Film Brain: *tosses rock* Whoo! *catches rock*
Film Brain: *tosses rock* Ha, ha! *catches rock*
Film Brain: *tosses rock* This is fun! *catches rock*
Gatecleaner: WOOOOOOOOHHHH!!!!! STOP IT! STOP IT! *finally catching Luke and Film Brain's attention* YOU INSOLENT MAGGOTS!!! I've seen three-headed hellspawn more cooperative than you! Now, do you want to know the stinking location or not?
Luke and Film Brain: Yes...
Gatecleaner: Alright then! Go to the fork in the road, take a right, and continue forth, got it?!
Luke and Film Brain: Yes.
Gatecleaner: Good! Never call me again, you little bastards! Now if you'll excuse me, I have rock waiting. *flips to next line* HAAAAAAAHH!!!!!
Cut to a woman with red hair and a bright colored dress in a modern home, with a cigarette in one hand and rock pressed against her ear in the other.
Gatecleaner's Wife: Honey, did you ever pick up the croutons?
Gatecleaner: I told you to check the pantry. I'm not buying more croutons when we already have an open box!
Cut back to the party, where Luke steps forward, shoving Film Brain aside.
Luke: Well, I figured it out. We take the path to the right.
The party looks intimidated. Luke is unsure of what's going on, then notices they aren't looking at him. He and Film Brain turn around to see the mysterious person from moments ago, staring dramatically at them.
Snob: Who is that?
Todd: Looks like a member of Run-DMC.
The stranger approaches the party. JewWario steps up to speak with him, stepping cautiously while the others look on.
JewWario: Um, excuse me? Can we help you, strange... Gestapo looking person?
The stranger dramatically reaches into his pocket, quickly pulling out the map and presenting it to JewWario. JewWario recoils in fear, then realizes what the man is holding.
MP: You dropped this.
JewWario, still on his guard, takes the map and goes over it.
JewWario: Oh. Oh! Well- Well, thank you very much! *turns back to the group* What a nice person. We should give him something. Uh-
JewWario turns around to find that the man has already disappeared. The rest of the group looks just as confused as JewWario as to where the man could have gone to so quickly. They turn around. They are then startled by the sudden appearance of the Cloaks in front of the trail. Cloak 1 waves daintily at the party.
MarzGurl: *in Japanese* (subtitles: Chicken humpers!)
Spoony: Run like children!
The party runs away from the Cloaks like children.
Cloak 1: Unleash the fire of a thousand arrows.
Cloak 2: You mean the machine gun?
Cloak 1: ...Yes.
Cloak 2 hands Cloak 1 her broadsword and pulls out a machine gun. She then opens fire at the party, who are still fleeing in terror. Angry Joe suddenly turns around, with a look of joy on his face.
Joe: Wait, I didn't know we could use machine guns!
As Cloak 2 continues to fire away, Joe whips out his signature MP5 and points it at the Cloaks.
Joe: MY NAME IS INIGO MONTOYA, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
Joe unleashes a hail of bullets onto the cloaks, who begin to withdraw. Cloak 1 and Cloak 3 do their best to deflect the bullets as Cloak 2 continues to fire, while Joe buys time for the party to escape.
Joe: KING KONG AIN'T GOT NOTHIN' ON ME!!!
Joe continues his fire at the retreating Cloaks.
Cloak 1: Cloak 2, don't be a hero!
As the Cloaks finally retreat, MarzGurl returns to fetch Joe.
MarzGurl: *in Japanese* (subtitles: Let's go, Ted Nugent!)
MarzGurl takes Joe with him, but not before Joe can fire a few more shots at the Cloaks. The two rejoin the party, exhausted from running. Joe, however, is on an adrenaline high.
Joe: Oh, man, that was awesome! I'm liking this character more and more!
Luke: Wait a minute! *looks around* Where's Film Brain?
The party realizes they are minus one companion.
Cut to a lost Film Brain, who has been hiding in among the trees in the chaos.
Film Brain: Hello? *steps out from hiding* Hello? Did we win?
A hand turns Film Brain around. Film Brain is terrified to see it is Cloak 1.
Film Brain: *waving his wand* Exxon Petrolium!
Nothing happens. Cloak 1 slaps Film Brain's wand from his hand, then slaps his face. Film Brain screams in pain. Cloak 1 then gets a firm grip on Film Brain's shoulders and stares at him.
Cloak 1: Look into my eyes!
Film Brain: *terrified* I can't see your eyes! They're covered up!
Cloak 1: Oh... Well, pretend you can see my eyes.
Film Brain: *gleefully* Okay.
Cloak 1: Look into them!
Film Brain: *terrified* AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
Cloak 1: You are now one of us! One of us. One of us.
Cloak 1 continues chanting, putting Film Brain into a hypnotic stupor. Cloak 2 and Cloak 3 join in on chanting "One of us." Film Brain's blank expression is shown one more time before cutting to black.
The video opens up on the exterior of a house, then cuts inside to a room with cheap paneling on the walls and clutter all over, and finally cuts to a door. The door opens with a creak, and NC pokes his head inside and looks around.
NC and Benzaie walk up a flight of stairs.
Benzaie: Are you sure about this? Just… breaking into a person’s home?
By now, 8-Bit Mickey and ROBGuy-88 have joined NC and Benzaie on the stairs. NC pulls out the map.
NC: Well, it’s what the map says. “Go down the Chestnut, nearest in sight, where the brick castles lay, third one on the right.” This is Chestnut Road, and this is the third house on the right, so it’s got to be it.
8-Bit Mickey: Hey, uh, Critic? Is this gonna take long, 'cause I’m a little concerned about Phelous. I don’t think he’s doing all right.
ROBGuy-88: He’s mourning over his action figures. That’s what he’s doing.
NC, Benzaie, ROBGuy-88, and 8-Bit Mickey look down the stairs. Cut down the stairs to Phelous, staring at his hands, clearly stunned and possibly coming unhinged. Linkara, just a few steps above Phelous, looks on in concern.
Phelous: They look like big, good, strong hands, don’t they?! My little friends! I just couldn’t hold on to them!
Cut to a shot looking up the stairs at NC, Benzaie, 8-Bit Mickey, ROBGuy-88, and Linkara staring at Phelous.
NC: I’m sure he’ll be fine. Let’s go downstairs!
The four of them turn and prepare to go down the stairs when they are surprised by Ma-Ti appearing at the door. Lupa and Handsome Tom stand off to one side.
Ma-Ti: Oh Critic! I found a great book for Mickey! It’s called Goatfuckers for Dummies!
Benzaie: How does he keep finding us?
Ma-Ti continues undaunted, while NC stalks down the stairs towards him.
Ma-Ti: According to this book, Mickey’s problem stems from the fact that he’s emotionally disconnected from others. Mickey, I understand you. And I accept you.
Mickey shrugs and gives Ma-Ti two thumbs up. NC walks up to Ma-Ti, teeth clenched in a grimacing smile.
NC: Ma-Ti! Good job. Really, really, good job. I am so proud of you!
Ma-Ti: So does that mean I can finally be part of your special team?
NC: Almost, Ma-Ti. Almost. There’s just one more tiny little mission I want you to run-
NC is interrupted by Ma-Ti.
Ma-Ti: This is stupid! You always send me on these stupid missions, and they don’t amount to anything! And they’re stupid! Your team doesn’t want me because you think heart does nothing. Nothing!
NC: Ma-Ti! That couldn’t be further from the truth.
Ma-Ti: Okay. What’s this special mission you want from me!?
NC: The special mission is…
MT looks expectantly.
NC: Go get me a coffee.
NC pats Ma-Ti on the cheek and walks away. Cut to Benzaie, ROBGuy-88, and Linkara walking down the stairs and away. Ma-Ti, stunned, turns and leaves. Cut to another room, where NC pokes his head around a corner again.
NC: Uh-oh. This place is occupied.
Cut to a long-haired man sitting in a recliner.
Chick: I can use my Elvish magic to distract him.
The Nostalgia Chick walks up to long-haired man, waving her arms. 'The Chick waves her hands in front of her, causing the scene to brighten. Then, fades of various trees along with various shots of the Chick are shown: speaking unsubtitled Elvish, saying "Who's your daddy?" repeatedly, and later some sort of African click language, making waves with her tongue, spinning, and doing the Macarena. The LHM seems unfazed.
Long-Haired Man: You guys are here for the quest thing, right?
The Chick drops her hands, disappointed. ROBGuy-88 and NC look at each other.
LHM: It’s over there.
NC and ROBGuy-88 follow LHM’s directions, while Chick looks at LHM, clearly put out. She walks away, muttering.
Chick: Consider yourself lucky. I would’ve enchanted your ass.
The team finds a leather-bound book sitting on a desk. NC picks it up and starts to open it.
Benzaie: What is this?
NC has opened the book and starts to thumb through the pages.
Linkara: Looks like a book of spells.
NC: Energy beams, tracking spells…
Lupa comes up from behind NC and points to a page.
Lupa: Hey, there’s a bookmark there. What’s that page say?
NC pulls up the post-it note serving as a bookmark and reads the page.
NC: Klaatu barada necktie.
The book begins to glow and shake, causing NC to drop it. The book continues to glow and a man in disheveled hair, glasses, and a Hawaiian shirt materializes in front of the team.
Man: Oh... Oh, what a rush, man.
Cut to the Mysterious Person walking along a trail. He stops and looks behind him, then turns and quickly heads back the way he came. Cut back to the room and the disheveled man.
Benzaie: Hey, that’s the guy from the TV.
NC: Yeah, you’re Chuck Jaffers.
Linkara: What the heck were you doing in a book?
Jaffers: Oh, well, that’s Malachite’s book, man. He’s the one who put me in there.
NC: Wait a minute. Malachite, as in, “Malachite’s Hand” Malachite? He did this?
Jaffers: Oh yeah. He found out what I was doing and wasn’t too happy. That dude is messed up.
NC: How long have you been in there?
Jaffers: Um… What year is it?
Jaffers: Thirty years, man! That’s gotta be a record!
Chick: So what have you been doing trapped in a book all this time?
Jaffers: Reading, mostly. A lot of reading.
NC: That’s not important. Who is this Malachite guy, and how do you know him?
Jaffers: Well, first I thought he was just a hardcore D&D player. A little too hardcore. I was researching a LARP game I wanted to write called “Gauntlets of Razzmatazz.” He seemed into it. A little too into it. So I was doing some research on the gauntlet, and he was obsessed. Too obsessed! He went on and on about how he’d been searching for it for all these years. *Jaffers pulls out a photograph.* And I dug it, man, I really dug it. The way he made it all sound – he made it sound all real. *Jaffers begins to hand the photo over to NC, who reaches for it, but Jaffers pulls it back at the last second.* A little too real. *NC grabs the photo.* And that’s when it hit me. *He hits himself in the head.* It was real! But I was too late. A little too, too late.
Linkara comes up behind NC.
Linkara: *muttering* One of our greatest thinkers.
NC looks at the photo. It’s the Mysterious Person.
Jaffers: So I grabbed all my research – everything on the gauntlet – and high-tailed it. Then, using the last clues I assembled from Tobin’s Spirit Guide, I finally found where the gauntlet was buried. But I couldn’t let him have it! I knew that if he ever got his hands on that device, it’d be bad voodoo for everybody. So I tried to banish him into this book, but that didn’t go as well as I’d planned.
At the back of the team, Phelous has another breakdown.
Phelous: Big! Strong! Hands!
Rest of the Team: Shut up!
Jaffers: Fortunately, I left the bookmark in the book, so you picked up right where I left off – the resurrection spell!
NC: But what about the gauntlet?
Jaffers: Well, I hid it in another location. That’s what the game and map were for. So only the true of heart could find it.
Lupa: Well, then why couldn’t this Malachite guy find it?
Jaffers: Well, Malachite has no love of games, and no heart to screw around with kids’ stuff like riddles, man. You have to have dreams, imagination, the brains of a five-year-old.
Bennett: Well, that’s us.
Jaffers: This whole thing I wrote is a quest, something for those who love fantasy – want to keep it alive, man. Unlike him. That’s why I had my friends serve as obstacles.
8-Bit Mickey: Obstacles?
NC: Wait a minute. Those nutballs chasing us – those were your friends?
Jaffers: Well, yeah. I even taught them a bunch of the magic that Malachite taught me. Dark stuff.
Benzaie: Oh, so that’s why they can do all those things.
Jaffers: Yeah. As I said, once Malachite found out what I was up to, he banished me into the book. Well, until you guys came along. Hey, did you guys ever hear “The President Worse Than Carter?”
Linkara: I don’t get it. Why would he just leave the book here?
Jaffers: I guess he just figured no one would ever look for it here.
The team looks back at LHM, still staring at the television.
NC: I can see that. But, Jaffers, where did this Malachite guy come from?
Jaffers: Oh, well, you see that is an epic tale. For many centuries ago- Wait, who are you guys, anyway?
NC: Oh. We’re internet reviewers. We’re looking for the gauntlet.
Jaffers: Internet? Not that Defense Department bullshit?
NC: Oh, no, no, no, no. It’s a completely different place now.
Lupa: No, now it’s just a place for people to bitch about useless shit…
Benzaie: Purchase mail-order brides…
Bennett: Oh, and porn!
The team loudly agrees with him.
Jaffers: Oh man. Aww, no, no, no. No, that’s sick! That’s – that’s not gonna do at all! I mean, it’s supposed to be, like, only the pure of heart can find the gauntlet, and you guys… *The team smiles. Bennett cheerfully shoots a finger gun at Jaffers.* No, this isn’t gonna work at all. I’m, uh, I’m afraid I’m gonna, y’know, like, have to kill ya. *Jaffers searches a nearby shelf. The team is confused. Jaffers finds a pistol, but can’t load it correctly, muttering to himself as he fiddles with the gun.* Hold on. Just don’t go anywhere. *He finally gets the clip loaded.* Oh, there we go. Oh, crap, the safety’s on. *Jaffers continues to fiddle with the gun.*
NC: Do we, uh…
Jaffers: Just give me one second here. *He messes with the gun once more.* Perfect. *He slides the slide back.* All-righty.
Jaffers fires at the team, but misses.
The team bolts out of the room, all while Jaffers continues to fire haphazardly. Phelous, passing by, continues to whine about his strong hands. LHM waves goodbye to the team as they leave. Benzaie, passing by, calls out for Crom, while NC tells everybody to “go, go, go!”
NC: *stopping short* The map!
NC turns back to get the map, but leaves anyway, as Jaffers is still shooting in every conceivable direction. The team runs out the door and leaves the house. Back inside, Jaffers approaches LHM.
Jaffers: Hey, man, thanks for letting me stay here for thirty years. I was trapped in a book.
Cut to a trail in the woods, where the three Cloaks walk menacingly toward the camera.
Film Brain: Hey guys! Wait up! *The Cloaks turn back and see Film Brain, now himself a Cloak, but still as skinny and not menacing at all, walking through a field.* You’re all taller than me and you’re faster than I can!
Cloak 2: We gotta get rid of this guy. He’s seriously ruining our image!
Cloak 1: You think I don’t know that?
Cloak 3: Let’s ditch the limey freak!
Cloak 1: No. Anyone converts to our side is a valued asset.
There is a crash off screen.
Cloak!Film Brain: Ow! I think I sprained my ankle. Can one of you carry me?
Cloak 1 sighs. Cut to Cloak 2 carrying Cloak!Film Brain.
C!FB: It’s such a wonderful day outside. Why don’t we skip this guarding tosh and pick some flowers? *He gasps in delight.* I could make a nice flower garland for you, Cloak Number Two!
Cloak 2: *Putting C!FB down* Right! Group meeting!
The three Cloaks huddle together.
C!FB: Oh boy, guys! What are we going to talk about?
Cloak 1: Look! A butterfly!
C!FB dashes off to follow the butterfly while the other Cloaks resume their huddle.
Cloak 2: Fine! Get a new Cloak Number Two!
Cloak 1: Okay, okay. *The Cloaks end their huddle.* Okay, alright. Uh, Cloak Number Four! *C!FB turns back to the others.* What’s your favorite kind of tree?
C!FB: *looking away at some foliage off the trail* Oh my! There are plenty of really great trees in this forest. Of course, none of them are oak, but, you know, that doesn’t matter! *The Cloaks begin to run away.* I mean, look at the green on those trees over there – that is amazing! And it’s not even in season! I mean, it’s not even in full bloom yet- *C!FB realizes the Cloaks are gone.* Hey, wait, you guys!
Cut to a parking lot, where the Cloaks are in a silver sedan. Cloak 3 is pressing Cloak 1 to pull away, but C!FB catches up to them.
C!FB: Wait! Wait! Come back! I can be a Cloak too! *The sedan pulls out onto the street.* We had cars?!? Why were we walking the whole time?!?
C!FB is rushed from the side by MarzGurl and pinned to a tree. He begins to weakly flail at her arm holding him there.
MarzGurl: *speaking Japanese* (subtitles: By the satanic powers of Kiki, I demand that you stop!)
Luke: It’s okay, Film Brain. We’re gonna get you back to normal.
Cinema Snob: It’s no use, Luke. He’s gone to the space between spaces.
Luke: It looks like he’s been hypnotized. Is there any way to hypnotize him back?
Meanwhile, C!FB continues to flail at MG’s arm.
JewWario: *bringing up his crystal* Here, grab my ball.
Luke: *closing his eyes* I’m turning around now. That had better be what I think it is. *JW rolls his eyes. Luke turns around and sees the crystal.* Oh, good.
Luke takes the crystal and waves it in C!FB’s face.
Luke: You’re an internet reviewer. You’re an internet reviewer. You’re an internet reviewer.
C!FB: I’m a brilliant internet reviewer.
Luke: *pauses briefly, then continues to wave the crystal* You’re an internet reviewer. You’re an internet reviewer.
C!FB: I’m an internet reviewer. *He slowly starts waving his head to match the crystal.* Luke… MarzGurl…
Angry Joe: All right, we got him back!
FB: *pulling back his hood and mask* What’s going on?
Todd: You were hypnotized, man. Apparently they had power over the phenomenally weak-minded.
FB: Luke! You came back for me!
Luke: Well, hey, it’s not like you wouldn’t have done the same for me.
FB: *pauses* Well, now I would’ve.
Paw: What the hell are we standing around here for? There’s magic to find!
Team 2 leaves. AJ pulls off FB’s hood and mask.
FB: How close are we?
AJ: Pretty close, man. We only got one more place to go.
Cut back to LHM, still watching TV. The Mysterious Person (that is, Malachite) strides in.
LHM: Oh, you here for the quest thing? It’s over there, man.
Malachite: Where is Jaffers?
LHM: Oh, he got out of the book.
Malachite: So he’s loose?
LHM: I guess so. *getting up from his recliner* Uh, I’m just going to get some popcorn for Harry and the Hendersons. You want some?
LHM tries to walk past Malachite, but he grabs LHM’s arm. Malachite drops his staff, and looks at LHM.
Malachite: You made an altar to this god, haven’t you? This god of brightly colored nonsense. Survivor, Lady Gaga, Judge Judy, Glee. Colosseums for the damned. You’d rather watch greater failures make less of a difference than you. That makes you far worse than a soulless talking head. That makes you… a human being.
LHM: I just asked if you wanted some popcorn.
Malachite: What do you think of the 21st century?
LHM: It sucks except for the technology.
Malachite attacks LHM and pulls out a human heart.
LHM: Dude, that’s my heart.
LHM falls to the ground. An otherworldly sound fills the scene as Malachite grimaces in extreme pain. He races to a nearby bathroom and nearly collapses on the sink. He looks up at the mirror and removes his sunglasses, revealing blacked-out eye sockets. He puts the sunglasses back on.
Malachite: All right… Less magic. *Still panting from the pain, he leaves the bathroom and collects his staff. LHM is lying on the floor.* Don’t get up. *Malachite leaves the house.*
Cut to the woods, where Team A is looking demoralized – except for Lupa, who still looks enchanted.
Benzaie: So what do we do now?
NC: I don’t know. I tried giving a call, but I can’t reach anybody.
Lupa: Maybe an evil witch got in the way of the reception.
NC: *sarcastically* Yeah, yeah, that must be it.
Linkara: Perhaps there was some type of sorcerer’s interference.
NC: Yeah, could be.
Bennett: You know, Critic, to answer the phone, the phone must answer you.
NC: All right, I’ve had it! *He stalks a few feet ahead and turns to the group.* Everybody just shut up! This whole character LARP-y thing didn’t work, all right? It was a total waste of time! I don’t even want to find the gauntlet anymore – it’s not worth the effort.
Benzaie: But, Critic, what if Malachite finds it?
Chick: Yeah, from the sound of it, everyone’s going to be screwed if he gets a hold of it.
NC: I don’t know– How do we even know this Malachite guy is still alive? I mean, how could he live for so long?
Linkara: I told you, it’s ma-
NC and Linkara: it’s magic bitch!
NC: Well, you know what? I’m starting to believe it. And just like Link, I’m starting to become sick to death of magic! I’m sick of all these magical idiots using their potions on me. I mean, for God's sake, can’t they use a normal sword?! Can’t they play fair?! And… *NC is starting to rant* I’m sick of Zelda never being able to save herself. I always gotta go in and save her all the friggin’ time! And how come whenever I hit a chicken a bajillion other chickens come flying at me! I mean what the hell, or are they just hiding somewhere? Do they have a secret club? I mean... *NC starts making incoherent fighting noises* I mean, for God’s sake, if I find the magical bastard who started that chain letter, I’d give him a- *NC stops short* It’s Malachite. Malachite sent that chain letter. He was waiting for someone to go after it. Someone clever enough…
8-Bit Mickey: And greedy.
NC: And ingenious enough…
8-Bit Mickey: And greedy.
NC: And determined enough to follow through with it.
8-Bit Mickey: You know, you really are greedy.
Benzaie: Well, even if that was true, how could he be following us?
Lupa: Well, the book said something about a tracking spell. Maybe he’s tracking the map.
NC: Well, we don’t have the map. But Team B does. He must be tracking that to the gauntlet.
Chick: And we can’t contact them.
Bennett: Holy crap, we gotta get there before they do!
NC: You’re right. Phelous, inspire us! Say something stoic!
Phelous: I wanna die!!!
NC: Perfect. Come on everybody. We gotta find that thing and fast. This ain’t no game anymore.
Critic turns around and is shocked to find a figure standing in a burgundy cloak.
Figure: None shall pass.
NC: Oh, knock it off, jerkhole! We’re in a hurry!
Figure: You are searching for unspeakable power.
Linkara: And it’d go a lot faster if you got out of the way.
Figure: *the camera is zooming in on him* But a great evil searches for it too.
Lupa: Sort of why we need to get going.
Figure: *camera even closer* He will never stop until he finds it.
NC: Okay, enough of this. *NC pulls his sword.*
Figure: *camera still closer* Your destiny awaits you.
NC walks up to the Figure.
NC: Eat lead, you fairy dropping!
NC raises his sword to strike the Figure, who blocks it with his arm. The camera spins around to show the Figure raising his mask.
Team A is all very happy to see Suede, except for Lupa. NC and Suede hug.
NC: How you doing, man? Holy smokes, I can’t believe it! What have you been doing with yourself?
Suede: Oh, I’m an obstacle. You know how it is...
NC: No kidding you’re an obstacle! Holy smokes!
Lupa: Who is that?
Chick: Oh, that’s That Dude in the Suede. He used to do reviews for the site.
NC: *to Suede* That thing with your voice– How did you do that?
Suede: *dropping his voice low* It's just something I can do, you know what I mean?
NC: That’s incredible, man, that’s incredible! Oh, it’s great to see ya! Oh, hey, hey, hey- We’re looking for Malachite’s Hand. Do you know where that is?
Suede: ‘Well, of course I do. I’m an obstacle, for goodness sake.
Suede: *pulling down his sword from over his shoulder* Oh, but first you must defeat me in mortal combat.
Suede: Oh, touch my sword. *NC taps Suede’s katana with his sword.* Oh, I am defeated, Let’s get out of here.
The rest of Team A catches up to NC and Suede. Everyone heads down the trail.
Benzaie: Oh, Suede! It’s good to see you!
Suede: Benzaie? I thought you hated me.
Benzaie: Benzaie does hate you, but Conan loves you.
Suede: Oh, all right then.
NC: Hey, Suede, what is the story behind this Malachite guy anyway?
Suede: Okay, let me fill you in. A long time ago…
Fade to black.