Battle For The Hat Animaniacs Episode


CU means Closeup Wakko looked out the car window at the passing buildings with growing excitement. They'd been waiting two weeks for this. Dr. Scratchansniff promised that if they'd behaved at his sessions for two weeks with minimum shenanigans (key word being minimum), he'd take them to the new waterpark for the whole day. They'd kept up their end of the bargain, so the doctor was keeping up his.

Wakko looked over at his siblings in the seats next to him. They were both sitting there like perfect angels, so as not to mess it up now. Soon though, they'd be in the clear. They'd be at the waterpark going down slides, jumping in the wave pool, and, of course, eating delicious snacks.

Dr. Scratchansniff pulled over and turned the car off. The three Warners got excited and jumped out but were quickly disappointed when they realized they were only at the post office. "Hey this isn't the waterpark." Yakko said, even though he knew he was stating the obvious.

"I know, Yakko." Dr. Scratchansniff answered. "But I just have to mail a package. It will be quick. You kids wait out here while I send this. Remember, no causing mischief or else no waterpark. Understand?"

"We understand." They answered in unison.

Dr. Scratchansniff took his box and went into the post office. The three Warners leaned against the car and relaxed. This was going to be cake. All they had to do was nothing, and they'd be at the waterpark before they knew it.

"Hey kid, nice hat." Wakko heard a voice behind him say.

"Thanks." Wakko answered, without giving it a second thought.

"Yeah, I think I'll take it." The voice said and snatched the hat off the top of Wakko's head.

"Hey!" Wakko jumped up and turned around to see an older kid, about 14 or 15, slap the hat on top of his greasy head. "What are you doing with my hat?"

"I'm just trying it on." The bully said.

"Excuse me." Yakko said.

CU: Hood Of the Car as Yakko's feet land into view slowly panning up his body

"I believe that is my brother's hat."

"Oh yeah? Well it's mine now, twerp." The bully sneered shoving Yakko off the car and into Dot. He then stomped across the street to the convenience store and started messing with the video games machines.

"Hey, he can't treat us like that." Dot cried, after she untangled herself from Yakko. "That punk is dead meat." She proceeded to take out a large cannon and aim it at the bully.

"Wait a second." Wakko said, climbing on top of the cannon and snuffing out its fuse.

"What are you doing?" Dot was completely baffled. "Don't you want to get that jerk back for stealing your hat?"

"Well, yeah…" Wakko answered, longingly rubbing his own hatless head. "But Scratchy said no mischief. We've all been waiting two weeks to go to the water park. I don't want to ruin it when we're so close."

"Fear not my hatless sibling." Declared Yakko, who had been analyzing the situation. "Scratchy said we can't cause mischief. I'm sure if we explain the situation, he'll give us a free pass to 'play' with our new 'special friend.'"

Since Yakko was the smoothest talker, they agreed he should be the one to talk to Scratchy. When he walked into the building, the first thing that struck him was the incredibly long winding line. He imagined that it, if straightened out, it would stretch the length of the entire west coast. He also made note of the strange atmosphere. It was dead silent and nobody talked to each other, yet you could feel the impatient tension rising in everyone in the line. It was one of the creepiest places he'd ever been…and he'd been to the realm of the dead.

He finally found Dr. Scratchansniff standing somewhere in the middle. "Excuse me, Dr. Scatchansniff…" Yakko started. He made sure to use the doctor's full name in order to keep on his good side.

"Yes, what is it Yakko?" the doctor asked, looking down from behind his box.

"Uhh, what exactly did you mean when you said no mischief?" Yakko asked, hoping to lead Dr. Scratchansniff on.

The doctor let out an agonized groan. "Yakko, I believe I made myself quite clear. You all promised to behave and you'd been doing well so far. It would be a shame for you mess it up now."

"Well, what exactly does that entail?" Yakko asked.

Dr. Scratchansniff put on his serious face. "It means no mischief of any kind. That includes any hijinks, tomfoolery, or skylarkings." He replied harshly.

"Skylarkings?" Yakko questioned.

"Yes, skylarkings."

"So we can do skylarkings?" Yakko asked slyly.

Dr. Scratchansniff looked like he was about to explode. "No Yakko! You cannont do any skylarkings. No mischief! None at all!"

"Yeah but what if…"

"No." Dr. Scratchansniff cut him off. "I said no mischief and I meant it. No buts, no nuts, no coconuts. Now go wait patiently with your siblings or no waterpark today."

Any other day, Yakko would have played the "daddy" card. But this was no ordinary day, and he knew how much his siblings had been wanting to go to the waterpark. So instead of arguing, he skulked sadly out of the post office.

"How'd it go?" Wakko asked as soon as Yakko stepped out of the building.

"What's he say?" Dot added.

Yakko shook his head. "He said 'No buts, no nuts, no coconuts.'"

The two younger Warners visibly deflated upon hearing that. "So, now what?" Dot asked.

"Don't worry sibs. All this means is that we have to be more clever than just whacking someone with a mallet." Yakko said with his ever-present confidence. "We just have to outsmart him."

"Outsmart him?" Wakko poked his thumb in the direction of the bully. "That sounds doable."

"Alright sibs, here's the plan."

Soon, the Warner boys were ducked behind Scratchy's car while Dot used the car's side mirror to primp. Yakko pulled a pair of binoculars out of his hammerspace and used them to find the bully. "I have a clear view on him. Ready Dot?" Yakko whispered. Dot gave him a quick thumbs up. "Ok, Operation Out-Cute Him is a-go."

CU: Dot's feet as she strutted across the street

CU: Dot's Dress as she strutted across the street

CU: Dot's flower as she strutted across the street

CU: Dot's Butt as she strutted across the street. During it, she shows her skirt briefly.

CU: Dot's feet as she strutted across the street before panning up her body

CU (front, side, back, and side view): Dot's feet as she strutted across the street

CU: Dot's feet as she strutted across the street before stopping. Her left foot then taps on the ground before walking away to the right of the cameras view.

She went into the convenience store and stopped next to the videogame.

CU: The edge of the videogame as Dot put her arm on it

CU: Dot's feet as she put her left foot in front of her right foot

"How you doing, sweetie?" She asked in her most adorable voice. However, he seemed to not notice her cuteness. "Say, that's a really nice hat." She said, leaning in closer and batting her eyelashes. He still ignored her. "Can I try it on? Pwease…" This had to work. No one could resist her cuteness when she started replacing her Ls with Ws. Yet somehow, he was still immune to her cute charms. "Mister…" she said between a clenched teeth in a forced grin. "Can I see your hat please? I'm sure I would look very, very cute in it." She made her eyes as big and shiny as possible.

CU: Dot's feet as they began to stand in tip toe form

Finally, she lost her patience.

CU: Dot's feet as they resume normal form before leaping away from view

She jumped up on the game machine blocking the screen. "Hey kid, move." The bully demanded.

CU: Dot's feet as they tapped the game controls

"How dare you ignore me? I was doing some of my best cute work over there and you missed it." She cried

CU: Dot's foot as she stomped the game controls

"Hey, you're messing up my game." The bully growled.

"Oh sweetie, I didn't mess up your game…" Dot said innocently. "This is messing up your game." She dove onto the control panel and started messing with every button she could find.

Aggravated, the bully yanked Dot up by her ears. "You little brat! You ruined it! Now I have to start all over."

"Yeah, it's a tough life." Dot scoffed. "Now give me back my brother's hat." She swung her arms wildly at the bully's head trying to grab the hat. The bully just held her out further.

"You can tell your brother he can kiss his hat goodbye." The bully snarled. "Now beat it." He threw her out of the store and she landed across the street near her brothers.

"You ok?" Wakko put his arm around his ego-bruised sister.

Yakko slammed down the binoculars on the ground. "What a load of jerk! I want my go at him."

"Alright then." Wakko picked up the binoculars and pointed them at the bully. "Plan B: Operation Out-Talk him is a-go."

CU: Yakko's feet as he walked across the street

CU: Yakko's ears as he walked across the street

CU: Yakko's belt as he walked across the street

CU: Floor Level of the store as Yakko's feet enter view

CU: Yakko's feet as he tapped his left foot before walking away from view

Once inside, He leaned his back against the machine

CU: Yakko's feet as he puts his left foot in front of his right.

He nonchalantly inspected his fingernails. "Nice hat." He said in the coolest voice he could muster.

"Yeah?" The bully grunted halfheartedly.

"Yeah, I like that it's red." He answered nonchalantly. "It matches your zits."

This got the bully's attention. "What'd you say punk?"

"Nothin' much." Yakko answered. "I was just thinking how you reminded me of my friend Ben; Benzoyl Peroxide that is."

"You think you're funny?" The bully asked threateningly.

"Uhh…I've been told so." Yakko smirked. "By the way, that shirt's not doing you any favors. Let me guess, shrunk in the wash? Or did you grow in the doughnut shop?"

"I've heard enough out of you." The bully cried, picking Yakko up by the shoulders.

"Give me the hat, and maybe I'll quit." Yakko replied.

"Eat my shorts." The bully snarled.

Yakko was unimpressed. "Ooh, repeating things you heard on tv? That's so original." That was all he got to say, however, as the bully tossed him out the door about two seconds later. He landed across the street with his siblings.

Dot was fuming by this point.

CU: Dot's feet as they clenched tightly onto the road.

"I hate this! It's like having my legs chopped off. If we could use our mallets, we'd have that hat, and that bully would be flatter than a pancake."

"I know sis. Do you think I like that we're losing to such a dumb adversary? But we have to control ourselves." Yakko said, putting a hand on her shoulder. "Looks like it's up to you." He said, turning to his brother.

Wakko nodded and slapped the binoculars in Dot's hands. "Alright," Dot said, putting the binoculars up to her eyes. "I can't believe we have to stoop this low. Operation Out-Sue Him is ago."

CU: Wakko's feet as he walked across the street

CU: Wakko's Neck as he walked across the street

CU: Wakko's waist as he walked across the street

He tapped the bully on the shoulder.

CU: Wakko's feet as he taps his right foot before the camera slowly pans up his body

"You? What do you want shorty?" the bully snarled as he turned around.

"I just thought I'd give you this." Wakko answered, slapping an envelope in the bully's hand.

"What is it?" The bully asked, tearing it open.

"It's a written warning." Wakko answered. "You see, I'm under contract with Warner Brothers. That hat you stole is a part of my copywrited character design. By wearing it and claiming it is yours, you are committing copywrite infringement. If you do not return it, the studio will be forced to sue you."

The bully just balled up the paper in his hands and tossed it at Wakko's face. "Whatever. You're not getting your hat back."

"Alright then, I'll see you in court."

CU: Wakko's feet as he turned around before walking away

"Bring it on!" The bully called after him. "My dad's a lawyer for Disney!"

Wakko's face fell at this.

CU: Wakko's feet as they stopped walking before trembling rapidly, feet clenching the floor.

He walked back to his sibling, looking defeated.

"How'd it go?" Yakko asked.

"It's over!" Wakko cried. "His dad is a Disney lawyer!"

"Disney Lawyer?" Dot exclaimed overdramatically. "Those guys are the biggest sharks in Hollywood!"

"I guess that explains why he's so greasy. He gets it from his dad." Yakko quipped.

Wakko just let his head fall onto the hood of Dr. Scratchansniff's car. "I'll never get my hat back." He muttered through a muffled voice.

Dot and Yakko gave each other a look. In that look, they both knew what had to be done. Wakko loved his hat and would be miserable without it. They nodded to each other, confirming that they were both thinking the same thing.

They went over to where Wakko was quietly crying. Yakko put his arm around his brother while Dot affectionately finger-combed the fur on top of his head. "Wakko, we don't care if we don't go to the waterpark today." Yakko said.

"Not if it means letting that jerk get away with everything and you being miserable." Dot added.

Wakko looked up and wiped a tear from his eye. "Really? You guys would give up going to the waterpark just so I can get my hat back?"

"Of course Wakko, you love that hat." Dot said.

"But you guys had been waiting weeks for this." Wakko protested.

"Eh, the waterpark's not going anywhere. We can go some other time." Yakko replied with a hand-wave.

"But we only have one chance to beat up the jerk whole stole our brother's favorite hat." Dot finished.

CU: Ground Level as Wakko's feet land into view

He pulled both his siblings into a big hug. "You guys are the best!" Wakko declared.

"Well, we already know that." Dot answered, as the hug broke up.

Yakko spun around and put on a military uniform. "Ok, let's get down to business." Yakko commanded. "Ready sibs?"

Dot and Wakko spun around putting on identical uniforms. "Ready!"

"March on my mark. Remember, don't whack until you see the whites of his eyes." Yakko commanded. They all pulled out mallets and stood at attention. "Forward, march!" and they began their march across the street.


The sound of the annoyed Austrian accent stopped them dead in their tracks. They turned around to see Dr. Scratchansniff staring angrily down at them. "Well, just when I thought you three were making some progress, you had to go ahead prove me wrong, huh?"


"No! You could not just quit while you were ahead, yeah? I couldn't have been gone for more than twenty minutes and I come back to find this?" Dr. Scratchansniff continued. "We were just about to have a fun day, but you kids had to ruin it. Get in the car. I'm taking you back to your tower right now."


"What? What's your excuse? What could have possibly provoked you to get out the mallets and start whacking?" He shouted.

"That guy stole my hat." Wakko answered pointing at the bully.

"Your hat?" Dr. Scratchansniff lifted the helmet on Wakko's head, revealing only the top of his head. "Is that what this is all about?" he laughed a bit as if he couldn't help it. "Don't worry Wakko, I'll get your hat back for you. I'm sure this is all just a misunderstanding."

Before they could explain further, Dr. Scratchansniff was already across the street and entering the store. "Excuse me."

"Yeah, what do you want?" The bully grumbled over his shoulder.

"There seems to have been some sort of mix-up. You see, that hat you are wearing belongs to a patient of mine." Dr. Scratchansniff explained calmly.

"I already told the twerp he's not getting his hat back." The bully grunted.

Dr. Scratchansniff was taken aback. "I don't think you understand. That hat does not belong to you…"

"Listen you old dinosaur!" The bully cut him off. "This is my hat now. I swiped it off that dopey kid's head and no one's going to make me give it back!"

"I see." Dr. Scratchansniff replied with surprising calm. He turned, exited the store, and walked back up to the Warners. "Excuse me Wakko, may I borrow this?" he asked taking the mallet out of Wakko's hands.

He then marched back to the store and whacked the bully into the ground with the mallet. He then leaned in and peeled Wakko's hat off the bully's squashed head. "I'll be taking that, thank you."

"You can't do this to me!" The bully shouted after him. "My dad's a Disney lawyer and he'll sue you for everything you've got!"

"Bring it on!" Dr. Scratchansniff shouted, turning back to the bully. "I'm tight with the big mouse himself, and he owes me a favor! And nobody calls me a dinosaur!"

He walked back to the Warners who, after changing out of their military uniforms, stood in stunned silence. "Here you go Wakko." He said handing the middle Warner his hat.

Wakko beamed as he put hat back on his head where it belonged. "Thank you Scatchy!" He shouted, jumping up and giving the doctor a hug.

"You're welcome, Wakko." Dr. Scratchansniff replied, putting Wakko down. "Now you kids get in the car. We need to hurry if we still want to get a full day at the waterpark."

The Warners cheered at that. With no time to lose, they all jumped in the car and drove away. "You know, I can't help but feel like there's a lesson in all of this." Yakko said thoughtfully.

"Like what?" Dot asked.

Yakko shrugged. "I don't know, but I just feel like there is one."

"I've got one." Wakko chimed in.

"Really? What's that?" Yakko asked.

Wakko just smiled and rubbed his hat affectionately. "Don't mess with a good p-sychiatrist."